Rainyuki

Time Check

2009-04-24T23:44:00.001+08:00

Lack of sleepyroo!~~~~~~
Planning on skipping out on internship this hols and doing it in year 3.
So this hols will be my last "break" before plunging into the working industry - if I ever make it. It's only two weeks before the assessments and everyone's throwing worried glances at me.

Like What?! ._.
It's only dark rings.
And an occassional blur expression.
And some space-out moments!

But other then that, nth much :/
To be honest, I pretty much love the assessments...
If only I had more time lol.
All I really like about it is the drive to work faster and harder...
But it's always during this period that inspiration comes and like... argh! No time to experiment but just plunge into the development process.

Had a long talk with Giselle today.
Pretty glad everything's settling between my classmates as well.
I find that examinations - though I really love to be around my friends and all, but I tend to have to isolate myself because I let my "helpfulness"(redundancy) get in the way of my own progress and neglect work! But I tend to fall asleep at home too.

Gahh.

I want my sleep back.
Yet I wouldn't exchange our class "night" chiong-gatherings for anything.
Bzzttttrit! Hope we all graduate well this year!

Eclipse of the Mind

2009-04-19T00:38:00.001+08:00

Frustrations...
An emotion all too familiar.
I hate love
For the main reason that it always slows me down
Confuses my mind
And ruins my ability to do anything.
If only I could run away
Drown myself in spirits
Or wipe away my memories like I always did
But for once let me not be that coward
And face it.

There are a few things that I don't like in life
One being insecurity
The other being the inability to communicate
I detest beating around the bush
Always finding a way or another to approach the point
But with the feeling of love in the picture
It always confuses me
Lost between trying to be myself
And yet holding myself back to prevent the other party from getting hurt
That's why I don't date weak people
That's precisely why I refuse to control anyone
And let them control me
For one sore reason
For my greatest weakness doesn't lie in my ability to comply
But my fear of hurting the people around me

So I stray away
I never kept close friends
Afraid they would rely on me
And fear I would let them down
Yet I'm loyal to a large extent
And allowing those who betray me laugh at my foolishness
I refuse to let the people around me endure pain for their sake
But I never really can understand fully why

Sometimes I wonder
Is it because of the pain of my past?
Knowing how much it hurts me to not being able to remove certain memories
I refuse to let my friends walk the same path
Even if they are no longer my friends or consider me one
I still watch out for them
Not knowing why
Like it's all just instinct

Still...
Eventually I'd succumb to all these beatings
And in the midst of perishing
While I was there to protect them
No one will be there to shield me
This life I live...
Is it at all worth it? ...

Held

2009-04-19T00:03:00.001+08:00

Close is the warmth of an embrace
Wrapped in the midst of all these security
Don't let this moment end...

Fear

2009-04-18T23:34:00.001+08:00

The closer we get, the further we drift apart. Unless the choice is made, the vote will be cast... As much as I enjoy your company, I cannot help but fear the insecurity between it. Should they discover our closeness... will I be forced to lose this... and begin my lonesome journey once again? Should such a revelation be cast, what more would be left of my future..? So I await, with bated breath, with calm surrender.

This is why I fear the peak...
The higher we climb, the harder we fall.
So close your eyes, we might have to take the leap...

Quote

2009-04-12T11:41:00.000+08:00

"I once loved a woman, who made me want to live life the right way. After you lose that kind of woman, they are all the same. They are all just meaningless repetition.

And just so you know it... the right one comes only once."

...
Tough words.

Speed of light

2009-04-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

Everything that happened today is just plain amazing.
Though perhaps a little rushed, and a little exhausting...
But overall, I got the chance to see a little side of alot of people, managed to find a little joy in the moments of sharing throughout our class outing and yeah... get a chance to do something that is pretty much a spur of the moment.

I got a call from .... today!
That was sooooo unexpected!
Just plain crazy.
I rushed through my portfolio and managed to complete it - thankfully, everything was compiled. I was really nervous and all, yet everyone is so supportive that I felt really touched. Just on my way back I got a call from .... and! I have an interview tomorrow. Sweet!

Though... it's kinda like my first interview and all. It's probably nothing big as compared to the bigger things in everyone's life, but at this period of my life - it's a huge huge HUGE thing. It comes to a point whereby someone who is seemingly invisible to the world and... somehow, finds herself being spotted and is strangely bewildered. Or a feeling to that extent.

I know God is behind this somehow. And really all I wanna say is thankyouthankyouthankyou! This is amazing! Like an opportunity that is dreadfully hard to come by! Even though, right now it's not even confirmed and all and yet... still so many weeks more to go and... lots of stuff. But I know that with You here, everything will just work out fine. In fact, right now, it's TOOO Fine that it's almost incomprehensible to my mind.

If all this works out I'm going to work even harder. I'm not sure what will come out of all of this but I'm sure that it's going to be a huge impact on my life if it does.

Think positive. Think negative. I don't know.
Even though this is only a small milestone in my life I feel like I'm halfway up a hurdle. Do pray for me <3 -

Um... my internship interview tomorrow.

Nerves nerves nerves.... and,
Thanks a muchie :)

Naps naps and more cat naps

2009-04-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

So much work to do lolololol.
Wonder how is it even possible to complete this? :/
I do dearly miss my sleep.

Pushka.

2009-04-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel that I'm certain...
But experience only reminds me of how naive I've always been.
And so I simply exist in the middle of all idiocrisy.

Hope Revelry

2009-04-06T22:21:00.000+08:00

So many thoughts...

It's been so long since I've blogged, my grasp of language is definately slipping by a bit. It's been tough, all the stuff that's been going on. Deadlines hanging by and all those work! It's easy to just do some - passe' work and breeze through this semester. But no... I just have to kill myself with all these thoughts.

Seriously.

After this term...
We are going to be Seniors.
Third year students!

Imagine the nervousness and yet the elation. I'm going bonkers.

Internship is also just round the corner. We managed to pull through one and... kinda made it for the deadline. I know somewhat - I've been preparing my resume for a long time, way before the holidays ended, to no avail. Once more I'd like to note to myself that all my artistic work - as long as it is without God - ends up mediocre. I guess after this weekend I can only emphasize it again and again.

It was only last Friday when Denise showed us the poster and told us that it was related to the company that I've been searching for that it clicked. After she promised to help - only the four of us who were there - ideas just spun off. Just as the three of my friends walked away with worried glances on their faces, I felt the clockwork spin into place and started working away. Ideas after ideas after ideas... I was quite sick that day and was not able to put any of them down. Even through the weekend - I was propped up with a couple of books but none of them could lead me to what could be my possible design.

Only around the evening, after a long rest - at around 6~7 did I start... and it just came from there. Not by my own limited creativity... instead... it just formed. Like inspiration flowing from a higher source. Funny... how I managed to do my work was... by resting. Resting in God. To the world it sounds totally ridiculous... but if I were to tell you that most of my best designs were not of my own but inspiration from God - they'd probably be skeptical. Or come up with some lame theory that sleep makes you think better. That's even more ridiculous - I can sleep all day and be still unable to create a single art piece - try explaining that.

Or maybe they'd just blame it on just dumb luck... I don't know.

Just... sometimes I just feel sick of trying to explain. When some people ask me what's my secret - I'd tell them, it's God. Then they'd just go - "Yeah, right. Seriously, what's your secret?". Like okay... so what would you want me to tell you? "Oh! I looked at the tree and the grass and tadah! Ideas flew!"...

Let me be honest, half the world would rather believe in a lie then in God. I don't know the reason why, but it's the truth. Or maybe someone would throw a rock and me and say how sure am I that God is not a lie?

Cause I've felt Him and experienced Him!

Then their rebuttal. How sure are you that you do?

Well let's be honest. If someone touched you and you just kept repeating in your mind that no one touched you, eventually you'd register in your head that no one touched you. So lets say that perhaps you have an experience with God - but you simply refuse to believe or maybe are just ignorant to it - what do you say to that? It will cease to exist.

The words that Ocean threw at me during the last bbq made me feel pretty upset. Somehow I wish I knew why. I tried to explain my emotions to myself using both the emotional / logical ... etc way - to no avail.

Ocean...

I'm not trying to judge religion... to be honest I don't really care what anyone else chooses to think. I'd rather believe in God and know He's true - and in any case I know I'd be going to heaven and so are ... nearly all... the people I love... are going. In my mind my logic is that - I don't see why I have to force you to believe - It's like... sorry, I don't really care about you since you are almost a stranger to me. I don't gain any credit either. It does hurt when you insult God but your questions do make sense. Yet when I gave you the answers your arms are still crossed and refuse to even take a single word in. I don't understand... why are you blaming God for the people who believe in Him? If we Christians are any perfect we wouldn't need God.

Why, even God's chosen people, the Israelites blamed God even when He was good to them. You asked once that you don't understand why the people on earth who do good things on earth have to go to hell - so why does God have to die for us when He obviously has done nothing wrong AT ALL? I don't get why I'm frustrated... whether I'm confused or just can't find the logic or am being plain emotional. Our downfall wasn't any of God's fault - we were made perfect in His eyes until we sinned against Him. Oh great, blame our ancestory to have started from Adam - blame Adam then? I don't know... lots of confusion about this.

The fact is that now that God offers us a free way to heaven - why don't we accept it? He paid the price for us and said as long as we believe in Him, we'd be saved. As long as we don't reject that He paid the price for us - we are simply choosing to pay the price of sin for ourselves - which is death. It's like going to Sentosa and Dad says,"Hey, I already paid for your ticket" and yet you refuse and pay the cashier double. I don't know.

All my life I never wanted to explain about religion. I thought it was like - live life, get a job, get a Christian husband - and not having to worry about preaching. I'm not even interested in preaching. But no... I just had to fall in love with people who know nothing about God... Sometimes I wonder whether God placed me in such a position because He knew my character - and if He had let me have my way - none of His good news would reach anyone. Cause if I had simply dated a Christian guy then - in a singaporean way - confirm all my love ones will be going to heaven - mission accomplish.

But no...
It just had to work out in a totally different way.

I just have to be ostrasized for His sake. Critisized, thrown questions at, disagreed with, having quarrels with...

Sometimes I wish that God would send me a helper. Even though now I really am glad that He has given me friends and someone to love as well... I wish that... somehow... they could help me. Instead of carrying this load all by myself. Yet... I'm not sure... I don't want any friends to get hurt as well.

Somehow I can only wish...
And pray really hard...
And know that God knows what is best for me.

I'm just praying very hard that the person I love now is the right one and that I don't have to get hurt all over again to find the "helper" in my life. If he is... I really want to pray that God makes him strong and.. I know God would.

He made me... a pretty weak person... to someone ... not so weak lols.

I know He would make him strong too... I just know it ><...
Please God... let him be the right one.

Random Flick

2009-04-01T23:28:00.000+08:00

AWh.
Uber Sleepy.......!
Can't rmb if submission is this week or the next.
I'm so uber dead O_O.
Should I just go to bed and forget it or...
Get some panda eyes?!
Gawh.
If I had the energy to write this...
I might as well try using it on my artwork.

Zuzuzuzuzuu~

Thoughts

2009-03-31T00:10:00.001+08:00

It seems silly that a person who has no sense of her design style, or character, or even fully understand the histories and terms and concepts of art, could create art - at all. At least... it may sound totally foolish to let such work be handled by such a person.

Then again... wasn't art part of what was created in us and exposed to us?

Do we necessarily have to learn art to know how to create art?

Now, that's one thing to think about.

It seems totally illogical what I'm going to do next for tomorrow's assignment... I'm going to go to bed first then work it out later. It seems totally wrong and absurd... but just like Joseph who was granted a coat of many colours... in a way, inspiration will come.

Even though the preacher preaches and says that those are not of those that are physical... but still...

I admit I'm not fully up in my knowledge of the Bible... but one thing I know is that God provides. And in that statement alone I will keep my trust.

Breaking barriers

2009-03-30T09:11:00.001+08:00

I think that irregardless of what happens... I seem to already have that insecurity built into me. Uncertain and afraid that the people around me will fail me, and always being very pessimistic towards the people who love me.

I'm sorry... I'm lost somewhere. I just felt abandoned... then I started crying. All my life I prided myself for being able to move around without my friends - without the people I love. But take it all away in an instant and I break down.

Caught in between. I'm trapped in all these fear that I fail to see all that you have done for me. I'm sorry, give me time. I'm still trying to recover, still trying to heal. The world has been a tough place for me that past few years... and I didn't
know what I was saying.

In the life I live, I've always tried to rely on myself... alot. But time and time again have I failed but yet, still unwilling to let anyone else help me through my life. It's simply because I don't trust anyone else. Who haven't I trusted that have failed me before. But everyone is imperfect... yet...

Maybe one day I can open up my heart to receive him...
But by then would it have already been too late? ...

Cruel is time that things cannot be accelerated... but let fate and determination change everything. If there is any difference to be made in my life... I should learn to trust him.

Reflections

2009-03-28T00:12:00.001+08:00

There are times when the world seems really huge - and us, really small. Maybe not everyone, but I do feel that quite often.

Disregard the tiny parts like how we can save the whales or make the world non-holey again. I mean... even small things we do like, how are we - even in the design world? Or even in our families? Do we matter much?...

I guess I'm just all out on being a little depressed today - cause I'm half asleep and yet I feel like doing some packing in my room. Packing is fun! Somewhat... Mmm... I just like the feeling of organizing stuff and you can see the stuff you've collected. I'm a collector of odd stuff! :) Though it's only a recent interest, I can say that it has been quite fun - if only I had the time to browse through them.

Time passes so quickly!
I can't believe that, if all goes well and all, I'd be graduating next mid-year! And then, whence do I go? To try applying for the degree? Or to... a job? Would I even make it in this recession depression industry? Do I make the cut?

I fear that I still have alot to learn. Though I do appreciate my friends when they give encouragement saying that we will make it then - but somehow I just can't fool myself with the illusion that the world isn't as picture perfect as it seems. Launching ourselves into the job industry almost seems like throwing a puppy to a pack of wolves - and they'd just eye you with their menacing eyes and attempt to who knows what.

STILL...
I love, love love the designing world!
The photographs, the opportunities, the font, the design, the colour, the attitude. BAM. Cover magazines, publications, illustrations - the possibilities are limitless. Yet, how would we possibly survive in this talent filled industry?

How would I stand out among all these people graduating all at the same time? And so many more who are much much more talented then me?

Being driven by passion is not enough. Somehow there is a mould that I would still have to break through. Kudos to that.

I'm missing someone so badly - I think I'm going crazy. Irregardless of how much I'm trying my hardest to prevent myself from a relationship that might not work out, it's just how funny that no matter how much I'm convincing myself, it's strange to see how we just complement each other and how... it just all seems right even though the closeness seems to only unveil how far apart we are. It was a pretty lonely walk home today - half of it being drenched by the tears from the sky. Still, I'm glad to have been there to see a side of him that's pretty responsible and being... where his heart lies. Though it's kinda depressing to know that I would always be secondary to his passion for art, I'm just feeling a little proud to be one of them who can get to see it.

Just a thought to self...
I can blind myself to the world and disregard the people I have crushes on. But throw me someone who expresses love more then I can ever give - and I'm bound to that person for life. Story of my life. I feel pretty pathetic.

Note to self to never pull him down. Instead, to be one person who can support him and be able to make something out for myself as well. I will not be beaten too :D Just watch out! I'm going to make it in this industry someday ><... no matter what it takes, not to give up on this dream. Even if it's not destiny... art will always somehow, be a part of me. Forever.

Blindfolded

2009-03-23T01:05:00.001+08:00

Today is another day I kill myself with revealing what's inside.
The night is dangerous when feelings become hard to conceal -
Note to self to never stay out too late least I let out too much...

My head is filled with too many questions, too little answers.
In a way I'm lost, without sense of direction, looking for an answer...

Afraid to express myself least I close my eyes and...
It all fades away.

The Reason Why I...#1

2009-03-21T14:18:00.001+08:00

The reason why I multitask... ALOT is because...

o1. I get tired of doing things easily
o2. My mind often runs fast and is hardly organized
o3. I often have alot of agendas on my mind
o4. Usually - it's because I'm frequently on edge and panicking
o5. I want the best of ... a thousand worlds!
o6. LACK OF TIME LACK OF TIME...!!!!!
o7. Cause sometimes... it really DOES help in finishing stuff fast!
o8. I enjoy the feeling of finishing alot of things together at the same time.
o9. I just lack discipline? :S
1o. I'm just pretty much used to it but for the sake of some stuff, I'd reciprocate.

The reason why I sleep... alot... is because...

o1. I'm just plain tired.
o2. My eyes are dry from watching too much tv/ using the computer/ wearing lenses.
o3. Sometimes I like my dreams more then reality.
o4. I'm escaping from all that STRESS!
o5. It helps me to relax :3
o6. Because some creativity comes from dreams lololololol...
o7. I overexert myself playing computer games - eheh? ._.
o8. Bright lights... bright lights!!!!
o9. The next couch looks pretty comfortable.
1o. Cuz I was amazed that a 100yr o' hag, Sleeping Beauty, could still nab a prince.

Okay the last one was just bullpoop.

Ran out of reasons. Till the next episode. :S

Logofiltration

2009-03-21T14:01:00.001+08:00

I realised that when trying to "describe" myself with my graphics, I tend to only see the masculine side.

There is nothing wrong with being soft or feminine... but most of the time I hardly notice that side of me, deeming it pretty weak and fragile in a way it classified me.

Today my eyes are open...
Maybe one day I'd see the truth, and claim on it.

1 Word

2009-03-21T13:54:00.001+08:00

INSPIRED

Pause and Think

2009-03-20T21:56:00.001+08:00

There are only 24 hours in a day
And it's up to us to decide how much we want to spend deciding
And on what we want to do or not

I wanna live my life to the fullest
But most of the time, regrets are inevitable
Don't want time wasted anyhow - so ...
Let's quit regretting and move on to the next revolution!

Hoo yeah! :D

Sandra.

2009-03-16T02:18:00.001+08:00

Has been a really naughty girl for not being true to herself for the entire month.
Is hereby punishing herself by killing herself with undone schoolwork.

Good Lord.

Forever, Author of Salvation

2009-03-15T13:21:00.001+08:00

Two new songs during worship today...
Felt the warm feeling rushing over me
The light came on, I began to sing
The words flowed from my mouth and I felt my body move to the music...
In the midst of the music I heard my dad's voice
The bass tones strong and authoritative
Along with my own, we harmonized...
Proclaiming the words of the Psalmist
That night was a night that felt like no other
In a way, it felt like a revival
Along with the rest of the congregation...
Choruses and music like never before
Even my voice who used to just blend in with the music and seemingly fade
Proclaimed the words out strong
I felt the rush of emotion
I was just glad to be there...
Even though most of the time I feel like nothing more then a shadow
But for once, just that night
I felt like I was actually part of something
Thank you, Lord...

Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion
a love that's never failing
let mercy fall on me
everyone needs forgiveness
the kindness of a Savior
the hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as You find me
all my fears and failures
just fill my life again
i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
You conquered the grave
yes You did Lord

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
singing for the glory of the risen King my Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
singing for the glory of the risen King

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light and let the whole world see
singing for the glory of the risen King Jesus
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
singing for the glory of the risen King

Hosanna

[Verse 1]
I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest (x2)

[Verse 2]
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

[Chorus]

Assurance

2009-03-09T02:17:00.001+08:00

Sleep.
Rest.
Open Shutters.
Be Amazed.
Deep in thought.
Determined.
Sighing.
Easing back on humility.
Realising that the end is still far...
The further you progress, as you reach the peak...
The more you begin to realise...
There is no such thing as the peak
When you stand there on the top of the mountain
You begin to realise
That there are so many other peaks on the surface of the earth...
Some are crooked
Some are straight
Some reveal all
Some withhold in mystery
In any case...
It would be impossible to be able to reach the peak
Of every single peak on the surface of this earth
So my dear, what's creeping into your mind now?
Knowing that everything is futile
Do you still move on unceasingly?
Knowing that not everything can be accomplished
That at times you have to accept your weaknesses
And to humble yourself at the mastery of others?
Would you allow your life to be explored
Would you open your life to discover
The very nuances of living?
Irregardless of the path you take...
I'm setting your mind free
Allow yourself into the boundless possibilities
May your soul never cease in its passion
To live, to find, to create, to discover
Though the paths are uncertain
While some stakes lead to doom
One thing's for sure...
With the limitless possibilities
Your thirst for adventure will never run dry...
And you'd always have someone you can always rely on
As long as you live, He will always be faithful.
Irregardless of the pits you throw yourself into.
Or the consequences you'd face...
Be still and know...
That He will always be there watching over you.
Have a good life, my sweet.

Dance with the moment

2009-03-08T14:59:00.001+08:00

Everytime I take a step towards a person I take two steps backwards.

Hence, I conclude the relationship between the people I grew up with, fell in love with, or nurtured me. I love to love and hate to love that it becomes so inconsistant - so shoot me.

Reverie

2009-03-07T16:20:00.001+08:00

Wonder what to write here...
Uhm...
Lots of things
Yet very little?

Most of the time it's the exams
But outside of it is quite monotonous.
Too predictable
I guess its the times like in the midst of the storm
Standing here and not knowing where life's heading
And all the restrictions have returned again
I have this vague feeling that everythings creeping back to High School Era...
And yet I don't know how to stop it

That's just me
The way things go
I dislike convention
Restrictions, or the mere routine of life
Everything has to be explored
Has to be questioned
But part of me feels really tied down
Unable to achieve the feeling 100%

I just hate it when......
I disappoint anyone
It just sucks when...
You chance upon a blog of someone you know and...
You see stuff that kinda sounds like
You just arent doing things the way they like it
I don't know...
Do I have to accept
That this is just a part of life?
I can't please anyone 100%...
But to hear it
Is kinda like a punch in the face

Gah.

So many things occupying my mind
Yet strangely everything seems so stagnant
There are so many things pending...
But I just dont seem to have any attraction towards doing them.
I remember the words of some people I used to know
Some of them rivals...
Some of them friends...
They said life at the top is lonely
I havent even reached the peak
And yet the words are coming swiftly so
Yet I'm still going to keep moving on...

Looking for a purpose to keep living on
Looking for a place to feel accepted
And learning to love all over again...

I'm sorry that I've been cold towards your affections
It's just that...
I don't know...
It's like the past always haunts me
I'm afraid to take any risks again
I don't want to hurt you with my actions
I don't want you to hurt me with yours
That's why...
I'm holding everything back
Unable to express all the feelings I hold inside
And I'm afraid to show you
How much I can love you
When you're thinking that maybe that's the way I am

I'm not cold...
No I wasn't before...
But all this hesitation
All this fear and restrictions
I've lost my drive to fight for love somehow
The fire in me died a year ago
And sometimes I wonder
If I ever have the capacity
To ever love again.

Totally Random

2009-03-04T13:47:00.001+08:00

12:35pm Yesterday
NoOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.......!!!
My life is ruined!!!! ...
Am I even cut out for this?
Why? Whhyyyyy?!!?.....

1:35pm Today
YESHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..!!!!!!
There is still hope!!!

Life in the midst of moodswings?
Pretty crazy.

Slip of Paper

2009-02-25T09:35:00.001+08:00

Bah.
An entire day working on Starhub's website design :/
Still not done - they've got too much info to put in.
At least the basic skeleton is done...
Bleah.

I'm eating a banana for breakfast just because there's no other food at home. Terrible - much? No I don't really have the time to blog - and I don't even know what I'm doing here.

What am I doing eating breakfast when I don't usually don't?

I've got meds to take. Think the stress is taking over.
Woop dee do. Half a bird down and a thousand more fowls to go.

Condunfante

2009-02-23T08:31:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I don't know what to think
How to find a solution out of something
That simply has no solution
I am reluctant to ask God
I'm afraid of what would possibly happen
The fear of getting hurt again
Is too much to possibly bear

Why does he have to pay for the mistakes
That so many other guys commited?
Is there justice in the future of love?
Do we always have to adhere to...
The stereotype of men?
I don't understand
As much as I want to be with him
I'm afraid of the chances of losing him
So there I am stuck in the middle
Not knowing how to move on
Not understanding the path I've taken

I lay there raining tears from the shutters of my eyes
Sometimes I think love is a game for fools
It plays us around in circles and never...
Gives us a happy ever after
So we walk around in the city of desolation
And we stagnant there for eternal condemnation

Unfiltered

2009-02-21T18:44:00.001+08:00

Fast facts fast thoughts...
Within 15 minutes write everything that comes to your mind...
Here we go.

I kinda dislike this weather - it's so humid!
Fan's too strong - but it's still hot.
Papers' flying all around.
Wanna escape this heat, this stress.

So much work to do

I'm stressed because I'm worrying about the work but-
I don't want to do the work but -
If I don't do the work I'd be stressed
Savvy?

Sandra -
Doesn't like to be claimed
Everyone can have a sort of hold on her
But she'd never give you her 100%
So get your paws of me
If not I'll break free
Or ignore you
Forever

Two's the letter
What's the matter?
Peeved much?

Dislike - people imitating
Copying
Or having any particular similarity
To my personality
Unless it existed before you met me
If not - I hate it when it is influenced by me
Though, that's supposed to be good
But I just hate it when
Too many similarities due to imitating
Makes me a lesser person then I already am
Or perhaps
I'm just thinking too much
Because their imitation will never truly make them
Any similar to myself
Imitation without depth of character
All too often ends up in disaster
Yet why do I get so affected by it?
Simply because it's all too clear to see?
Or just I hate looking at them
Simply because I see my flaw of character
I really wonder.

I find that the more they incline their character towards mine
The more I decide to shift my character to something different
This is some kind of depressing state
I refuse to let anyone be anything like me
But then - what am I really holding on to?
Nothing.
So why does it affect me so?
Grrr....

Love
That picture
Only that single one
It's kinda...
Different?
I can see attitude radiating from there
Something that I never truly dared to unleash
But that is something that exists
In the greatest of minds
Those in the peak
Need to at least have a part of it...
Yet there is the risk of losing it all
This dominance and attitude
Would I succumb or be part of it?

Quote
Very true
It is simply not enough to be "good"
When you dream to be great.
Fantastic quote...
Wonder who was the one who thought of it?

They said that ambition usually existed in guys
Unfortunately by some stroke of luck
I seem to have inclined myself towards it
What is ambition that draws me to it?
Yet - My mind changes with the mood
And my logic sways with circumstances
How sure am I that I am ambitious to achieve?
So many times I'm simply happy with what I have
Yet at certain peaks I yearn to break free of what I do
So what really classifies me?
Or am I really confusing myself?

Sometimes I wish life could just cease
Then take a break and have a little fun
Yet sometimes when it all relaxes I yearn for it to speed up all over again
Perhaps my indecisiveness is killing me
Maybe I shouldn't let my mood rule the head

Bah
I wonder why I'm escaping from the people around me
Is it because they keep talking about work
And I'm so stressed I just wanna get out of it?
Maybe I just need some personal time
Or I just need to try to relax abit
That's the problem with all these problems I have
There doesn't seem to be a solution unless I manage to solve it
Crap.

Flip flap flip.
I finally got my ... what skin?
Forgot the name of it again...
Cat skin? Mole skin? Naked mole-rat skin?
In any case - LOVE IT.
I've been inspired ever since I saw the article on it
I think I've gotten a new direction in life.

I really have to renew my passion for art.
Think about this gal.
You are doing this - not for the lecturers.
Not for your friends, or your family, or your fans
Maybe somewhat, but not entirely
That's not the main reason.
You are doing this
For the sake of loving to do it
It's your life, your passion, your character!
Emotions that flow from the pen to picture
Inspiration! Excitement! Revelations!
All down to each and every one of this projects.

You are not doing them to get As
You aren't doing them to impress anyone
And least of all you aren't doing that to get on the nerves
Of one very irritating fella that you've managed to encounter
In your rather "un-eventful" life!

In any case.
This is a go or a no.
Move forth and get the job done
Or face the consequences.
The rules are simple.
Play this game, or die trying.
Giving up is not an option.

15 mins up.
That was a helluva entry.
Geez.

FINALLY.

2009-02-05T23:46:00.001+08:00

8 hours of sleep!

I decided to make my life a whole lot easier - therefore dousing the fuel to fire. Finally, 8 hours of sleep - Good day!

Also.
Went home and saw a woman lying at the back of a couple of houses unconscious. We ended up having to carry her to safety - I never knew carrying a person would be so hard. Some strange night, thank God for the nurse at the corner. Thank God that people do care and that society isn't a hundred percent ruthless as what the news say about us Singaporeans. There's still some good heart out there - and it exists right here in little o' Singapore.

Irrelevance

2009-02-05T18:11:00.001+08:00

Can't believe I survived the entire week.

The workload's pretty tough now - but thank God everything has been pretty much alright. Last night was like - 1/2 an hour to sleep only, crazed! I was so sure that I wouldn't be able to finish the work on time - but, thanks to the grace of God - everything just seemed to work out well. Still - I can say so rather honestly - there were many times when my faith wavered - like this morning. Was just so sleep deprived - everyone was practically zombie-ing around the classroom! Still, I was rather envious of those who had completed their work fast... they seemed just so carefree. Jean was also rather happy - breezing in and out of the classroom.

It is only the fourth week man - we are all already half dead! First year it was the last week of the term when we really went panda frenzied. Now it's getting earlier and earlier. Some of the Seniors even said that we'd definately be able to survive the final year - if we don't sleep! Crazy...!! But I saw the workload of third year once - it was like second year's final project crammed into 1 week or something. Good luck to us all.

The fact is - the more we learn, the more we discover that what vast knowledge we seem to possess - is always inferior because the peak of learning is never reached. Even if we have the mind of a prodigy - and can memorise everything in the whole entire world - it will still be futile unless we know how to apply it. Which is why experience is always needed - but even if we have 50 years of experience and yet not understand the lessons from each experience - then we could have possibly...? Not progressed at all.

Since time is also a constraint - we'd probably become "ashes to dust" by the time we discover that we have ever fully accomplished anything.

When I was worrying my head off for visual studies the past afternoon - a thought crossed my mind. Since the "spiritual world" is what is permanant and the world that we can possibly see is only temporal - then why on earth are we working so hard to achieve what is only present now but not forever? Why are we working for things that would soon fade away?

So many thoughts - no possible conclusions yet.
I think I've decided to just stop thinking about random stuff - including random situations that I really shouldn't be wasting my time pondering over.

Note to Self

2009-02-05T04:47:00.001+08:00

Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)
28 A perverse man stirs up dissension,
and a gossip separates close friends.

Wise words.

Midnight Oil

2009-02-05T01:44:00.001+08:00

Lots of stuff to do...
Still, the week has been great.
Everything has gone well :)

Tomorrow's going to be a great test of faith...
A race against time and energy.
Hope all goes well...

Gonna burn midnight oil again lols...
This is going to be some night.

A dream of caution

2009-02-04T06:33:00.001+08:00

The morning air is freezing!

Anyhow. I had this strange dream whereby I had this glimpse of this guy who was - possibly a friend of mine - who really wanted to be a spy.

He signed on for this course.

The first time he went for it, he was totally on. He fought in the simulator and managed to "rescue" the beauty.

The second time in the simulator - he realised the next beauty was his enemy, and so he defeated her. Even though he was kind of sad she was a beauty and he had to defeat her, he was just glad to have won.

The third time? The last "beauty" overpowered him by bounds and he was reduced to lying on the floor while being beaten up. He just lay there, afraid to get up and partially hoping that the "simulator" would just end. The last part after that, he was fired... and the girl who he "fought" said something to the effect like - Fire them if they don't let me beat them... to the extent that it sounds like this guy got used pretty badly. At the same time... it looked like his dreams had not just gone up in smokes, but caught the flame and exploded in a big bang.

Not sure what it possibly meant... but true to it, there are many hidden meanings in it. The fact that the dream was so "perfectly played out"... is one.

Time to watch our backs.

The Walls of Jericho

2009-02-01T10:55:00.001+08:00

My mind is burdened with the load of schoolwork...
Amidst all these... I've not touched them at all.
Ideas... should I accept them or choose another?
Or should I use it to apply to another?
So many questions, so little time...
Yet with the freedom of time comes with the loss of constraint
Even with the allowance of time I wouldn't complete this work
So what now, my dear, what now?

From where do I move? From whence do I proceed?
For every journey that begins lies the mystery of the future
Do we then hasten and move forth, or hesitate to go?
Only time will tell.

Retreating

2009-01-31T22:28:00.001+08:00

It comes to a point of time
When I just feel like being alone
Away from all my responsibilities
All the homework
All the stress
All my friends

I'm so troubled...
Keep keeping so many thoughts to myself
Nothing can be figured out cuz...
Ultimately, there is no conclusion.

I'm about to escape to my own world
Will you come with me?
I won't bring anyone else...
'Cuz I don't know who else to trust anymore

I don't like the noises
Or inconsistencies
They are all scary
Bring me away from there please?
I'm kinda afraid...

So afraid...

I wish I could shut them out...

Just run away...

Far away...

If you'd ask if you could do anything for me...
Could you just please...
Hold me close... for awhile...
Just awhile...
I promise I won't take long...
I just need to feel safe...
Even for just one moment in my lifetime.

Could you grant me, that single request...?

A shade of grey

2009-01-31T21:15:00.001+08:00

You don't claim to love one and then love another.
When a heart is fixed... it belongs to only one...
No other being exists apart from that single soul to love and cherish.
The rest are redundant, that goes without saying.

Or maybe I just don't like people who are indecisive about the ones they love.
When your mind is fixed, it is.
You don't use it to arouse jealousy in others..
You don't throw love freely given into thin air.

Love is pure, so keep it as it is... and let it stay that way.

Collision

2009-01-31T20:40:00.001+08:00

I've been thinking about the incident the whole day
And I'm feeling strangely calm
Though before that I was rather angered
It's like... doing stuff for the good of others...
Without asking for any payment or reward
And yet they treat us like the scum of the earth
Ridicule us and be glad with doing so
So be it.

I could flood this entire entry with anger
Talking about their inferiority
Their lack of attitude
Their total disregard for anyone
Or their lack of looks
But what would I gain from that?

Nothing.
It's childishness.
Everytime I approach this subject I have to remind myself constantly that - hey, this guys are still kids - take a step back, let it go. So I did. It feels... tough. But nevertheless, bittersweet. I've been a teenager before, a rebel for the rules and always questioning or disregarding authority.

Perhaps this experience is there for me to understand how tough I might have been in my younger days *laugh*, I most certainly feel sorry for those teachers who had to put up with me - but I'm gonna tell them that their efforts are worth it... somewhat, and I have not failed them. Hopefully it will do the same for this group of girls as well :/

Somehow I know how it works. Cliques work this way - and if you don't support each other, you'd possibly be kicked out of the clique - total loss of social life. So even if you are uncertain with whether what is right or wrong, as long as this girl is from your sisterhood - you'd follow her. The tough laws of peer pressure. But be warned... not everything that she says is right... follow if you must, but in the right time, better discern your actions.

I have this vague feeling that should they ever chance upon my entries, they would be caught up in flames in anger lols.

Anyhow. My initial anger towards this issue is gone. I have nothing to be angry about anyway... apart from just the time spent from the night redesigning their site and editing their pictures to make it look perfect... in every other case, it's their loss. Time I can always find again. Hence, I gain nothing and lose nothing.

Leaving them nothing but fools... thinking that they have won but most certainly lost.

Night has fallen...

2009-01-31T01:49:00.001+08:00

Sleepiness is worse then getting drunk...
I can't even think straight now lols...
But...
Don't think...
...I can sleep without writing this down.

Your... question...?
Or statement...
To think.. how... I felt about you.

No paper could withhold all the words I plan to say
It's like a feeling that rushes...
Like adrenaline to my soul.
How do I put words to it...?

The feeling is... new.
I feel lost yet protected...
Like standing in the midst of a storm
In there I find your comfort...
But you are nowhere to be found.

I'm really...
happy whenever you are around but...
I'm always afraid to be around you
Afraid to get any closer
Afraid that things won't work out
Afraid that history would repeat...
That I would get hurt again...
That any one of us could be injured...
What are the odds of failing?
So afraid of being abandoned...

My eyes are closing
It's getting harder and harder to type
My soul feels weak...
Persisting against the shutters...
Slowly succumbing to sleep...

I don't know if I'm ignorant...
Or just am afraid to answer your questions...
I really wish...
But I don't dare to wish...
I'm even afraid of saying these words...
Keeping them hidden to myself...
Alot of it...

I thought...
Hiding my feelings would help me forget about you
Or maybe
You could just fall for my best friend or something...
Something...
Or someone else more deserving...

I'm afraid to love again...
But as much as I do...
I can't run away from the fact...
That maybe...
Just maybe...

The words I don't really want to admit...
Is that...

...
I just...

... Might have fallen for you.
But I don't even want to admit that to myself...

God... I'm so confused.

Sweet Goodbye

2009-01-30T10:09:00.001+08:00

As my footsteps fade from your presence
Bring closer to us our lingering hearts
Though distance separates us
Let not our worlds fall apart
For as surely as the sun shines
So will our hearts linger
Like a rose, so sweetly defined
Bringing forth the melody of a thousand blossums

Confessions

2009-01-30T09:49:00.001+08:00

Hide me from the world
I'm running away
Their ways I know not
Or the words that they say
Our of their mouths come words of promise
But who am I to receive them?

Pfft.

2009-01-29T00:53:00.001+08:00

Advertising, Graphic Design, Design Drawing, Design in Context, Digital Media, Studio Photography, Visual Studies...

Where got time for my funeral? ...
Lol.

Faded rose

2009-01-28T09:38:00.001+08:00

Last night I had the strangest dream...
In fact it felt so real as if it was really happening.
But sometimes dreams are a large fabrication from the truth...
And I know that if that dream was true...
It would certainly change alot of things.

It was almost ridiculous...
Like as if my heart had the potential to love again.
But no... reality tells a different story.
I'm suppressing love because I'm afraid things won't work out...
Also knowing my parents strong intentions that the next person...
HAS to be a Christian.. and a strong one as well...
In a way I wonder whether that condition...
Is meant to prevent me from falling into love forever...?
They've seen me gotten hurt twice...
But the condition is... almost ridiculous...
Love is easy to fall into...
But that is one single condition that is way too hard to accomplish.

If that dream was true
If would have meant that I had forgiven him
And that on that train ride...
We would make contact...
Contact that...
We haven't made in... more then a year.
But it seems ridiculous.
We went our separate paths a long time ago.
We know our reasons why we broke up.
And I know full well why I would never want to meet him again.
Or even dare to make contact.

Cuz my heart never remembers the faults...
And my head only retains the good memories.
Opening my life up to him would have hurt his current relationship...
And lots of stupid unforeseen circumstances.
But I have faith in him...
That even if we meet one day...
Even if we become friends again one day
He will remain true to his girlfriend.
He'd better.
And I prefer that he would.

Love doesn't mean keeping a guy to yourself forever...
If he loves another or has other priorities...
Sometimes it's best for him to go.

I remember once in a conversation with him online...
He said something about him now giving his girlfriend all the attention...
That he failed to give me...
But she doesn't need it as much...
Silly guy lols...
All girls are different...
And this girl is just about as independent as himself
He will learn to love her...
Understand her, accept her...
And by now he would have forgotten me.
I'm sure about that.

As for me...
I'm still learning how to love again
Also... to be more independent...
And to open up my eyes to see the world...
That I've not seen during the 7 years of going in and out of relationships...
And maybe... maybe the pain would stop one day...
And maybe I would find someone who could accept my right and wrongs
And just... just maybe...
I would dare to open up my heart once again.
I don't know...
Do you believe in second chances?

A gift for the undeserving

2009-01-27T21:38:00.001+08:00

Kinda silly... I just completed this entire entry then scrolled up to write this sentence. It's kinda... emotional... don't read it if you feel uncomfortable, thanks...

Here goes...

Was just messing around with my stuffs when something just prompted me to look for my school annuals. I didn't question the prompt... but just went ahead to open up the box where I kept all of it and began flipping through.

Blargh. Looked so nerdy in my first two years too wahahaha .__. can't believe it! One question... How could I look in the mirror and not die of heart attack?!

...

Looking back on the past... I find it kinda silly that guys would still like us in high school, no matter how strange or horrible we look. And in a way I still don't understand why. It was in these exact nerdish years that I had the strangest of experiences. I dated a guy within the first year of school, I got approached by a "jiejie" who was disgustingly sweet and kept asking me out to model for her swimsuit line ._., I got into lots of trouble, had a "square" (not three sided but four =.=''...) relationship, and went suicidal once from overemoing. I met a stalker who stalked me right until now ._., and I even got called to the principal's office for shooting profanities at the school teacher... and we had a long chat while just hanging out. The principal didn't even scold me :X:X

Faints.
I can't believe that was me.

Primary school was about as bad. I mixed around with guys, caught spiders, hanged out, climbed hills, played soccer... always was late for school, knew every single drink auntie and uncle in the school, was almost first for a race until I stopped to help a girl who fell(my mother still laughs and reminds me of it =.=), just went out of school to shelter all the strangers from the linkway to the school so that they would not get wet(no one asked me to do it =.= I don't even know why I did it), got a gangleader interested in me and nearly got "claimed" by him, was betrayed by a close friend, fell into the school pond and what else...?

No I don't believe that was me as well lol.

Damn my life is colourful. Lol.

Even though alot has changed - like my personality has softened quite alot... but I still keep alot of traits that... is kinda silly haa..

I lost my clumsiness... or at least, lesser now. My confidence depleted abit... My temper decreased by alot as well. I still stand up for my friends... I still do the weirdest of things and gestures. And I still have this really bad knack of getting into trouble :X

Wonder why I even have friends? lol.
Must really thank them for putting up with me :< Thanks guys.

There were lots of other thoughts that ran through my head as I browsed through the journals... like the ambitions I had when I was a kid and they sort of... are different from what I ever expected.

Also the amazing "coincedence" that I seemed to go into the Audio Visual Club in my trouble days and... how it all worked out to what I'm doing right now, in NAFA. Like... when Mdm Cheng taught photoshop and I never really listened? Like when we learnt to make movies and use stop-motion clips? When we had to make a TVC in one of the school classes? Like how I "just happened" to buy a wacom tablet? Like how I "mysteriously" gained the talent of art when I couldn't even draw well in primary school? Like how I made NEWSLETTERS in class, getting content and publishing them? Also the uncanny fact that I was given the opportunity to design the cover page of the school's marketing brochure? And I SO HAPPENED to have a best friend who taught me how to blog, and how I JUST STUMBLED and FIGURED OUT all these html codes and even designed a couple of website layouts?!

Like all these weird stuff...
All just led to what I am right now.

*shivers*

God...
I don't know.

Everyday I'm doing these arts stuffs... I know it just has to be some kind of a miracle... that all the tiny things I did ended me up here. God, what's your plan for me? Now reflecting on all that You have done in my life and the experiences... I know You have been so real in my life. So very very real...

God, what have I done to deserve all these blessings...?
Why have you turned this ugly duckling into a swan...?

You knew I was weak ever since I was a kid... You protected me and kept me alive when I was beaten and even gave me friends to protect me when I was suicidal. Who am I to You, God? That you should grant me so much favour...

And that I only seem to betray you all the time... the stuff I did and couldn't... even... protect myself... and broke your laws so many times...

Why me, God? Why me?
Of all the good people in the world, You had to choose this weak... bad... person. Even if I spent my whole life trying to repay You... it would never be enough...

Before I typed this entry... I never realised how much You have given me... but now I reflect and look back... I even remember being in the dark once after being beaten and bleeding from my wounds.. and I cried to You since You were the only one who could possibly listen to me...

God..
I don't even know why I'm crying now...
Out of gratitude..? Out of shame of my own weaknesses and fraility...? ....
I don't even know...

I don't know how this entry opened my eyes to see Your works, Lord.. but right at this moment... I really thank You............. alot.

Kuro-neko...?

2009-01-27T19:26:00.001+08:00

A "Black Cat"...

Black Cats are known as unlucky...
But they aren't.
Black Cats supposedly bring luck to the people around them...
But once they leave, they take all the luck away with them.

And just as it goes...
Black Cats, being a cat, can never be fully kept.
It stays when it wants to, and leaves when it feels compelled to.
Therefore... depending on the circumstance, they would eventually go.

Most people would find it impossible to retain a black cat...
But those who eventually succeed are lucky forever.

Hmm...
Though it's just something like folklore...
Have you ever met a "Black Cat"? :/

...Would you want to?

To take a risk... to gain more, knowing fully that by doing so you might possibly lose everything if you fail to succeed... Would you?

Is it really worth the risk?

Note to Self

2009-01-27T15:59:00.001+08:00

❤ When you pour your heart and soul into words... everything becomes poetry and comes alive.

The strange thing that happens when I read certain blog entries which I have long written... some entries are normal and rigid, while others speak with emotions that seem to cling on to you. Many words bring memories and yet for some hope. Some drive out an anger that most would not possibly realise...

I'm not sure why...
But everytime I re-read these "live" entries... it speaks to me in a whole new way. I guess though many times I chid myself for not being able to blog like a normal person would... or even like back then when I was a popular blogger and everything was light and humourous... but now, I'm just glad for what I've become.

It's a glimpse of my emotional ability... a gift of blessing and yet a curse at times. Yup... too much thoughts and less emotion involved. This is another rigid entry, good day.

Stark Reflections

2009-01-27T15:51:00.001+08:00

The further you progress
The more you realise
What you pride on becomes insufficient
Greatness becomes weakness
What you envision begins to fade
You lose confidence
Your existence seems to cease
You begin to wonder
If whatever you do will be ever enough
Will you ever hit the standard
Will you ever make it there?

When you eventually reach the peak of the mountain...
Would it tell you if you have finally hit the top...
Or would it only reveal that
Your peak is merely the end
Or the beginning...?

Blast my foolish thinking in the past...
This was nothing my naive self could ever possibly envision.

Distant steps

2009-01-27T01:22:00.001+08:00

I'm trapped.
I know why I'm frustrated.
It's becoming harder and harder...
To be myself.

For years, I've prided myself to be...
Different... in a way.
But everytime I do...
Someone would always...
Do something similar.
Trends would start...
People would follow...
What seemed so unique and so special to me...
Would then be lost...
Just like that.
And then I'd wallow in my misery.

Still...
The world runs that way...
And there is simply no way I can possibly change it.
I can't stop people from taking ideas...
It's their prerogative...
But many times when an idea is repeated or copied...
I feel the ache, that whoever copies it never truly understands the essence of it.

And I don't want to...
Let them know what it is either.
'Cuz since they have already taken part of what's precious to me...
I refuse to let them take the other half...
All I do... would be to watch them in silence..
Muting my thoughts, storing everything in my head
And watch as they blindly do and take pride in it.

There are many times I ask myself
Of all people why choose mine?
Choosing the way I smile and laugh
Following my hobbies, doing really similar stuff...
If you become me, then what am I left with?
Apart from the knowledge to know how it differs...
I am fated to recreate my personality...
And to have it robbed from me the very next moment.

__________________________________________

I'm afraid.
I'm restricted.
I'm trapped.

You have held me to the wall against my will...
The knots dig through my skin with it's tightness
And the ropes feel as hard as they are on bare flesh...
I look upon you with defiance
And yet you smile
Knowing that you have me where you wanted

Who am I to you, a toy?
That I be used for your every whim and desire?
My abilities are for mine to keep
To hold, to use to express...
I know full well my feeling's potential
But without my will, I refuse to concede

Bend me, break me, entice me, hide me
Your ways have long been predicted
You may have the world and your ways to constrict me
But be clear that as much as you claim me
I will never grant you my fullest potential

So be it.

I need a break

2009-01-26T21:43:00.001+08:00

This is the last time I'm going to do anything out of the blue for them.
Headache man.

Then there is design drawing work to do.
Packaging.
Advertising.
Studio Shots...
BAH.....

I wish I could just automatically remove all these worries with a flick of a finger. I wish I could just retort back to those kids in an immature way without carefully selecting my words because it would affect the people around me. You know, this sucks!

They are teenagers 4 years and below younger then me and yet I'm trying my best not to talk down to them. Try to remember that at that age, I was every little bit as proud and obnoxious as them. Try to keep cool... Try to be professional about this. Detach. Get it?

I mess up everytime I place feelings into situations. Either too soft or too harsh :/

Now all that's left is to pray hard that everything will fall into place and I can get rid of this one burden. Oh... and thank God for that one sensible soul from the 4Hitotsunoai class. I'm glad there is one Weikiat and not a thousand Fionns.

Another rude remark from her and I would possibly erupt into flames and send the army after her. Not that it is possible but you'd never know what could possibly happen when your anger gets to you. Oh yeah. The last time I designed a layout for a friend back in high school and he used it against me - I deleted his entire layout in a fit of anger. Touchy ae? ._.

Yeah and I regretted it almost right after that...

Precisely why I'm trying to be controlled when handling this attitude problem teenager. This blog belongs to her class in any case - why is she trying to pick a fight with someone else? Like, putting bad light on her class to the people on the outside just by her behaviour? I'm definately having a very bad impression on Westwoodians now :<

But keep in mind she might just be a very bad egg... out of a bunch of good eggs, I don't know.

I don't know why but it seems that recently I'm very much on the edge and tend to do things on impulse. Argh. Trying to sort things out here.

I just have this really bad feeling and God I hope you can hear me. Please help me sort this out - If not I don't think I'm ever going to do good deeds for people again!!!

Reverse Order

2009-01-26T04:11:00.001+08:00

I have a slight feeling that my life is doing a 360 degree reverse to what my life was in high school. It sounds good and all, such as the elixir of youth - but I don't exactly find it very amusing to have puberty begin all over again.

The days of high school?
The period of self discovery...
The occasional lost of tempers...
Getting very high strung.
The inclination to flee and be free.
The three sided to hexagon relationships...
The crazed workload...
The strange amount of attention...

Yup... I can see some similarities.
And I don't find it amusing at all.

Rant of the Year. Oh Fab.

2009-01-26T03:20:00.001+08:00

Tagboard:

http://4hitotsunoai.blogspot.com/

Fionn: er, why cannot giv the password and login id to all of us?? why must u give us the 'blogger' status? this is a class blog right? so we all should be able to change anything as and when we like wad.

K: apparently the password is mine. and if I give u my password it would be equal to giving u my facebook, friendster and email account. makes sense? unless ur classmates create a separate account.

K: btw. cailing is an admin - she can give u the status too and so is wk, i sent him the email but he nvr accept = =''

K: and if that STILL doesnt make any sense - the "status" enables u to blog AND change anything u want. get it?

Fionn: er. since u noe that dis blog is not for ur personal use, why not create a new acc when u made the blog? doesnt it make things easier that way? making every one admin one by one is slower than just

Fionn: passing around the password and login id. it just makes no sense, anyway. who cares. i'm not interested in here anyway...

K: my tian... that is EXACTLY what i did. pls go read. tq

K: i'm only here to create the design. fullstop. i am unable to pass u the password becuz i dont have direct contact with ur class. savvy?

K: i would appreciate if u keep ur personal feuds to urself. This blog belongs to your class so I'd appreciate if you respect them as well. Thanks.

BAH.
I re-designed the layout for my bro's class... didn't know I have to confront such an obnoxious person too. The deal is - create the details for the class : they use it, fullstop. Then this Fionn gal keeps telling me to recreate this, make an account that... Seriously? I've already done my job kiddo. The rest is totally up to you. Geez.

Most people would have half a mind to understand that a designer's job is just to design - not to take care of the nitty gritty technicalities... unless, they are paid or IF they are kind enough to decide to give it all for free. I'm just... really peeved in a way. Who does this girl think she is? The Queen of Sheba? Pfft.

If not for my brother I wouldn't even touch this blog. My editing isn't fantastic but... You should have seen the original design... it was totally... ... I can't even find the words to describe it.

I'm for once... very thankful that I didn't give my best... like, recreate the layout with customised stuff and all sorts - my normal perfectionist way. I even stayed up an entire night to work on that even though my school was starting! Unappreciative brat :

Quoting her... "anyway. who cares. i'm not interested in here anyway.." ...

If she wasn't interested then why is she bothering to talk so much hmmMMmmm...?

Lol. Now after reading all this, I wonder why I even cared to bother about her. Sounds like a case of attitude problem or... eating sour grapes? :/ In such cases... there is no point arguing. I should have learnt my lesson from the previous one.

Come to think about it...

Now I somewhat understand what Shihan was thinking when she misunderstood my words years back in that blog entry. Probably was thinking that I was a kid trying to get in her way like this Fionn girl is doing.

Fuhhhh....

I can bet with you 100% she'd find a way to debate about this. *rolls eyes*...

Alrighty...
I'm though with ranting.

Seconds

2009-01-24T16:32:00.001+08:00

I'm waiting for that day of freedom
When I'd no longer be trapped by my feelings
And thoughts would be nothing but a memory
Forever would be the warmth of an embrace
I would know that I have been truly loved

Totally random

2009-01-24T13:03:00.001+08:00

Saw this in my mailbox this morning...

Jan 24, 2009 11:58 AM
Subject: can i buy u coffee?

message: hi yuki babe..

oh gosh... u r really like my dream babe... cant believe someone as pretty as u really exist :)

can i buy u a coffee n b ur fren? plssee.... pretty... plsee...

...

Uhhh... catchphrase overated. I'm not sure if I even want to reply this message :/ Worse of all I don't drink coffee. Better luck next time dude :<

Every Moment

2009-01-18T12:12:00.001+08:00

Every Moment
Every Touch
I Struggle to Think of it
I Miss You
Ever so Much
You know every moment Fits

Pride
Pulled me Away
From your feelings
And Senseless Words
It made it Impossible to Say
How much Every Moment really Hurts

Every Moment I think of You
Every Second of My Life
Even when I have the Blues
Without You I can't survive

...

Woo, lyrics from a song I wrote when I was in.. secondary one! Faints.
I've stopped writing songs for a long time now, not sure if I lost it or just... don't feel like writing anything. Or maybe it's the thought that the words of the songs I write are too vivid that even just by singing it, the emotions get up.

Good thing about writing songs in english?
The meanings are vague in the words.
I'll figure it out somehow.

Maybe one day I'll find a whole new song to write again.
And hopefully, it's a happy one.

Brief Parting

2009-01-18T00:07:00.001+08:00

Kinda sleepy, just got home. Long story about how everything ended like this, and I'm back just before I turn back to Cinderella lols. 5 minutes before 12 o' clock.

Anyway, how things went today.

Morning was continuous wake, turn off the alarm, go back to sleep, and repeat. It was only until the time was just right to change, wash up and grab my things did I jump out of bed. Gave my parents a knock on their door to tell them I'd be leaving the house and off I went. I had this feeling I wouldn't be able to meet them till tomorrow, but little did I know that it would be that accurate.

Mm.. even though I thought I was late, it turns out that there were more people who were late. Greeted Glendy by the counter and looked around - Shi Xin and Jean were nowhere in sight. Next to meet was Felder who was really engrossed in his game. Managed to get enough of his attention and we escaped into the Lobby from the smoke. We warned the others but they didn't pay much heed. It was only till we were inside, watching from the glass doors - the smoke engulfed the whole of the foyer... when everyone else started rushing in for the doors. Lmaoz.

Safe and sound.

The whole day went ahead quite alright. Two very memorable moments - One was a mother and son group who I brought around to visit the fine arts while the other was a mother and daughter group whom Jean directed to me. The first group were very appreciative - and definately very lucky 'cuz they were interested in fine arts, which means most of the exhibitions! - and when they asked for my name(while looking at my name tag with the name "Felder"), I had to tell them that the tag was just part of our mischief in the morning when the four of us switched tags!

The other was this really tough Q & A session with a concerned parent and her daughter. I believe I stumbled a few times, but thanks be to God, I was able to answer the bulk of the questions due to the fact that the experience the girl is currently having is about the same as mine when I first enrolled. When it was finally over, I shook her mother's hand and she thanked me for helping her, saying it was of much more help then the fashion school. Oh yay ^^'' Well, all the best to her in her decisions! :)

I had a few bad run ins today...
I typed some of them out but deleted them, guess it won't be too good to retain negative stuff.

We ended the whole event unofficially by resting near the fountain - me, syah, felder and jean. Was a pretty funny chat there, I remember laughing alot... though now my mind is still a little too tired to retain much. After awhile we looked around and noticed that many more ambassadors were surrounding the fountain. Lol... all were too tired and morale was pretty low today.

In any case, the event ended not long after.

Some tiny details to blog...
- We sat at the bench talking to Syah and Felder about some jokes regarding anniversaries...
- Felder dunked a white hat on me a couple of times that looked pretty cool, but kinda hot lols... It was a warm day ._.
- We left poor Syah to emo
- We went for pizza...
- We emo'ed.
- Jean too a taxi back...
- We took the taxi back to Felder's
- Felder sent me all the way home in... a pretty interesting journey.

I saw stars from the top of the car too! Pretty cool ><''...
Mmm.. lots of other stuffs we talked about and the experience itself...
Having my hair flying all over the place, even the conversation...
And some other tiny details that I don't want to share too much about.
It was a short ride but nevertheless, quite an experience to remember.
And yay! I'm safely home! ><''...

Thanks a lot, Felder!

Time for a shower and packing up before I tuck myself into bed. Super tired! A long day ahead too!

A half... asleep entry lols.

2009-01-17T00:34:00.001+08:00

Oh gosh. So sleepy lols.
Lets see... yeah, NAFA Open House was today.
I was assigned to a 1230 slot to lead the tour group at first, but changed my slot to Queensway Secondary - so that firstly, I can attend my class and secondly, I get to bring my school kids around. Two birds with one stone right? Hahaha! Thank God everything worked out, I don't take any credit for this - it was just very very "lucky" that there was even an empty slot next to Queensway Sec.

At least it was much much much MUCH easier for me to let them go where they wanted to, skip out the boring details, and take some time to catch up with what's still happening around school. All the memories man! My artwork is still framed at the staircase near to the General Office... don't think I'd ever get to take it back! =<

You think it's a good idea if I donate an art piece to them or something when I get the time? lol! Don't even know if my fine art skills have improved or not. In any case, the art piece that is hanging there is seriously... yucky. But it represents the time whereby I was still discovering that I had a little flair for art! And that really means alot to me! Maybe I should just keep it hanging there... you know, maybe inspire others. I probably wouldn't display it myself 'cuz the art seems so amateurish to me right now lols.

Not much stuff happened around school today - just some minor events. Like example, Kim Leng approached me today - which was totally unexpected. I had totally forgotten that he had existed! Since we have like... totally no contact at all and I am blur enough not to notice people at school even if we pass each other like, once or twice per day.

Anyhow, I wasn't expecting to talk to Kim Leng ever since the last time I "indirectly" rejected his proposal for a relationship since he was interested in my best friend before. Never ever date your best friend's guy - it's not right lol. Anyhow, after that incident, I never talked much to him and we totally drifted apart until today.

The only thing he asked was - So, where's your boyfriend? ...
I laughed and shrugged. He smiled knowingly. I guess he sort of noticed our separation around school, even though I had never noticed him around for a long time. Seemingly satisfied with the answer, he ended our conversation after small talk and said he'll see me around and gave me a smile.

Kinda strange lols... as we parted Cheryl gave me a nudge and said that Kim Leng has become a little more handsome. I gave her a nudge back and suggested that she'd try going after him. She jostled me back and we ended up laughing.

Final conclusion? It was nice meeting up again, but in a way, that was kinda awkward. No prizes to guess whether we'd ever meet up again.

Right moving on...
I met my high school teachers - who practically screamed into my face when they saw me lol. I missed them so much! Those were my mentors who in a way - made me who I am! The ones who granted me confidence, the one who nurtured and made sure that pride doesn't get to my head and taught me all my basics. They didn't know I was here! Ahahaa :)

Also... photo lesson was, pretty interesting. I never laughed so much in a lesson in my entire life lol. There was so much to learn too and part of me was thankful that we made it to class today - if we missed today's lesson we'd have missed so much information.

What else hmm...
Lunch with Syahmi, Felder and Jean was... one of the lamest meals I ever had! Wait, not lunch, I mean dinner! Halfway through Syahmi was already saying that he'll never ever consider marrying again. LOL. Then there was pretty much alot of things going on... and thankfully, I didn't get indigestion from laughing too much. Even the waiter got involved lol.

But saddest of saddest moments... we had to part so early...........................

And thankfully there is Jean to go back with... halfway.
Then I slept in the train all the way home.

Zuzuzuzuzuz.......

I think I'm going to get used to sleeping in the train and those commuters better get used to it too. At this rate it's going, it's going to end up as my second bedroom. Yawns.

What a long day tml... Thankfully, this is only the first week. And for the record, this has been one of the best weeks in my entire NAFA life. No regrets.

Sleepy note.

2009-01-16T01:14:00.001+08:00

NAFA SCHOOL OPEN HOUSE TODAY
16 and 17th January 2009.

Was watching America's Top Model a moment ago - "coincedentally" got some tips that I never knew for modelling and photographing. They were pretty subtle but yeah... I guess I never knew that. And it's amazing that I only got to watch it 'cuz I remember Jean saying something about it the other day. Thanks again, girl.

So sleepy ahahaha...
Didn't get to catch up with the three chipmunks on their way home cuz I was rushing back since it was pretty late by the time we completed our work. The funny thing that came to mind was when we were somewhat given up on engrossing with our homework, we actually stopped and started doodling all over my layout pad lols.

I've got evidence :D

Rawr. Nafa Ambassadors tomorrow! Saw this comment on facebook by Shar hinting about taping some stuffs for the Open House - GOOD IDEA MAN! Lol. Didn't even think about it. Alright, will see how it goes, got a pretty long day tomorrow. Hopefully I won't miss too much for tomorrow's studio class.

Loving these precious moments...

Oh and I'm so tired I can just crash onto my bed after this entry and sleep till tomorrow. See you guys at the Open House today! :)

Eye of the Storm

2009-01-14T23:49:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I'm sitting here... not even touching my work. It's like an eye of a storm - I've frozen in the midst of all the chaos.

And my mood has turned strangely light.

I'm not worrying about work, I'm not emoing, I'm not even pissed with anyone or anything. While all around me, everyone went tense with everything. Kinda strange lols.

I took a break off everyone and took some time off to myself. After I got back my msn was flooded... And it feels really amusing since I thought no one would have needed me to be on. Strange need to feel wanted ^^''... Even the music on my playlist are playing happy songs now - and it's on random!

There's so much stuff I want to do... there ain't enough sleep, there ain't enough love - there is so much going on I'm not sure where to start either. After the end of the week I'd probably be piled up with all the stuff. Kinda kooky feeling... but I'm hoping that this weekend would be a good resting period.

After advertising class I was telling mother about how much work we'd have to do for the finals that I'm worried that whatever happened last term might just happen again. She then looked at me with a wise expression and said - maybe I'd just have to consider whether I'd be able to handle the advertising workload? ...

Wise words, now I'm really wondering too.
I guess I should be glad - that I can even have a choice to go into what I want. In the midst of all these choices... I love every single bit of art we are doing. Illustration, graphic design, advertising, photography! All of them are my loves - and though I'm still amateurish at most of it, it still applies to have a choice between every single one of them.

It's not like high school whereby I had to worry that I wasn't good at science or maths or that I would only be stuck with my languages, arts or humanities. For once... all the doors are flung open in embrace. Like how... amazing is that haa..

And I never once ever thought that I would be that blessed to have such a choice... it almost feels like you passed the o lvls with distinctions and all the choices are right there for you!

Just one thing... because there are so many choices... I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.

Still... God did guide me to NAFA... so... ><''... If I asked, would He just lead me to the correct direction? I guess He would but... (why but...?) But because I'm just afraid that I wouldn't listen to Him. Just like secondary school years... and I retained a year just because I didn't listen to Him and decided to follow my friends.

So right now... I'm kinda feeling afraid of that.
Anyhow, the choice making is still far, and I guess I'd just have to try to survive till the end of year two.

God help us.

Scribble

2009-01-14T21:48:00.001+08:00

I hid myself away from the world and ruined everyone's day.

Also.
I can see through your facade.

Flashback

2009-01-14T02:31:00.000+08:00

"You are the victim, you are the one who has been hurt" ...

And what makes you think I'll believe that.
I'll take responsibility... for what was my own naivety in the past.

Tell me that it's my fault and I'd accept that.
'Cause there never has been a day that passed that has not reminded me of my own scars. And there has never been any stain of a blame on that person as much as I placed all the blame solely on myself.

That sentence, I can never accept.

Someone once said to me that... as much as there is a guy who is there to wound you, there would always be another who is there to heal your pain.

Let me put this straight for you...
I don't believe that that would ever be possible.

Convince me.
For right at this moment...
Somehow I think I've lost all hope in believing in myself.

So much for thinking about the past.

Reflections

2009-01-13T23:22:00.001+08:00

Was in Audition the other night - ran into "Armed", one of the "perf" pros in Audi. We have this rival thing going on since a very long time lols. Maybe it's got to do with my competitiveness, but the last time when my audi skills were somewhat good yet inconsistent, I heard many speak about him as a 'pro' and decided to challenge him - quietly of course.

Since then we've won and lost our own fair shares of battles, and just the other day he was joking about being "best rivals forever". Every time I enter into a room or he enters into a room to discover that we have entered the same room - the battle begins! And more then often on good days our scores overlap each other - you can practically see my character move to the front then to the back replaced by him and followed by the other way around.

He was the first guy in Audi that I met that was a challenge in the game of perfs, and even though much later on I met other perf pros(not counting chainers or speed dancers), I guess he was the only one whom I could challenge without worrying that he would back out or chicken out from the game or just cease into statue dancing mode. Also, it kinda feels like an honour to be considered a rival by a pro. =\ I don't think my skills are all that fantastic, but I know that everytime I get a perfect, my mind just goes into euphoria mode and then I start perfing like crazy. It's just like the song comes alive and the beats become so real that perfing seems to be the only logical thing to do. I guess it's different if we are playing on fast songs cuz the focus isn't there but... yeah. It's just a strange nice feeling!

Sometimes I wish I could relate as well to my rivals in real life. So far there is only one single person that I could consider partially as a rival, but even so his skills, although good, aren't all that fantastic yet. A rival is someone that constantly inspires you - even though many times you would "win" or "lose", their work would bring you to a whole new perspective of - hey! I didn't think about that and I KNEW I could count on my rival to come up with something that awesome. It's a challenge that continues to spur you on.

Note to self though:
If you keep winning or losing to that rival, that means that you have to find someone lower or higher on the ranking list.

Even though many times it's awfully sentimental to keep your life time rivals... but there are times when even rivals fail to match up, or you yourself fail to match up and they surpass you. That's the time when you just got to find someone more suited to challenge and inspire you. Remember - rivals are there to help spur you on, not to demoralise you or make you so proud that you become stagnant in your progress.

Anyway... about today.

Tired! It's my second day of dozing off non-stop in the mrt lols. The last time I had to stand, I fell asleep while standing ._. kinda tired out.

Was slacking a little after class in the library today. Half the day went by without much progress - lets say it's not too easy trying to come up with a project brief without guidelines. Halfway through, took a nap 'cuz I was dozing off - then back to figuring it out. Think I some what managed to figure out the skeleton of it by the end of the day... but by then morale was pretty low.

I signed on MIRC for awhile - to be greeted by Hart, Redflames, J, Blazeraid. So kewl yeah, even though XenoMS has closed down, I really miss them alot. Funny, seeing that everyone signed in just at the "right" time, we spent some time flooding and having "reunion" for a little while. Let's call this XenoMS's tuan yuan fan of the year. The next time I don't think I'd even be lucky to meet them online anymore.

Felder joined us a little later after his own project... then the three of us worked quite "studiously" for awhile before Jonathan came. Initially I wasn't too sure what the plans were for the night, but we ended up waiting for them to finish their meeting before having dinner together.

No regrets lols ><''... though at the starting I was kinda worried that waiting for them might end up like the previous night when they took a long time to discuss about their project, today was pretty fast. So me and Jean were sitting at the corner with the wind flipping through our hair(skirts flying and all ._. Marilyn Monroe lol) when Felder came over and threw the red-cross T-Shirt at us. So warm :X Just stood there with the wind blowing and the shirt as a barrier from it... kinda feels like those rainy days when you sleep in and having a warm blanket surrounding you - a moment of bliss.

So the four of us went off to grab lunch at this realllyyy....... hidden in a corner hawker place. While we were waiting at the elevator I noticed that the shirt had mysteriously appeared on the top of my wheeled bag O_O''. So I turned around and asked Jean if it was hers or Felder's. Felder took responsibility - and though many times I was pretty worried that it would fall off - he continued to leave it there, saying that he will watch over it and was kinda lazy to put it into his bag.

Then halfway while we were crossing the road I turned back to look for the shirt... it was GONE! OMGWTFISHYBBQ O_O!

I turned back frantically and was scanning the floors for a somewhat missing "dropped" t-shirt... to find the road empty. I panicked and turned to Felder and Jonathan,"Hey! Did you take the shirt?!?". Felder opened his arms to indicate it was empty while Jonathan just tried to act nonchalent but had a smile creeping up his face. Jean turned to me and said - "They are trying to trick you!" but I guess I'm not sure what was to be believed lol. I think I spent the entire night asking them if the shirt was really safe.

Later on we had food and stuff - it was pretty memorable - especially the guessing of the papaya-honeydew-rambutan(wut?) dunno how many percent here and there drink. Alot of jokes cracked and yeah... mind was refreshed - Jonathan was from the NAFA Ambassadors from the first year and he did dance with me, Junnie and Giang on the first day - that I forgot until halfway through our dinner lols. So after that "revelation" of memory, the three of us began talking about the first year camp and what we could remember. After which I kinda regretted not blogging about my first year's camp lols.

Something to note... after I gave silent thanks to God for the food, Jonathan leaned over and said that he guessed that I was a Christian, since I gave thanks before food. Part of me wanted to say that "hey, Jean is a Christian too!" ... but the moment didn't come. He looked at me and said that he was a Christian too.

Found it... kinda surprising. 'Cuz most of the time the people whom I know who are Christians... are usually girls, except, maybe for Matthew. I've never thought of the guys around me that are Christians, choosing to believe that most of the time I grow up half the time not noticing that they are there. Or at least, most people do not make it known. Like for example, even finding out that Gavin was a Christian was surprising to me.

So in a strange way, there is this whole perspective shift in me that... maybe Christian guys aren't all that uncommon after all, but maybe just hidden? Still.. I can't shift out my mindset to think that Christian guys would accept the faults of our past. Not that I think any person would accept past faults unless he/she has really gone through quite alot. Still... right at this moment, I'm wondering whether even I can accept my own faults. The problem within me lies in also the fact that I can't forgive myself for certain points of my past... and no matter how good an impression I make on any amount of people. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite whereby I'm not able to reveal to people what kind of person I truly am and have experienced before.

Maybe sometimes I'm just afraid people would shun away after hearing words that I have to say. Or even sharing my true self would make people change their whole perspective into something horrid. Though many times I remind myself that if not for what I was and have been through, I wouldn't be the person I am today - but still... sometimes I think that the experiences itself go way too much for a normal person to bear to listen... or even experience themselves.

Sometimes I don't really know what I'm hiding from.
And sometimes I really want to come clean with people, and yet many times I rather the truth be hidden. The world isn't ready for another girl like me.

And I don't need your sympathy.

De-Brief First Day of School!

2009-01-12T22:38:00.001+08:00

First day of schoooooooooooooooooooooool!
Can't believe it, the holidays flew by so quickly!

And I'm so tired out, lols. Couldn't even last half the day.
I figured that contact lenses tired me out, especially when I stare at the computer screen too much with it so - I've decided to go geeky! Well... maybe only for alternate days or so, will see how it goes lol.

I'm exchanging roles with Jean tomorrow~ I think. I pulled together another outfit together, will see how it works out I guess. Kinda lazy to dress up lols... me wants sleep much much more then looking good right now.

Anyhow. School on the first day was... motivational somewhat? :)
Not sure what else to expect but, the first day went by pretty alright. Been playing with raw html ever since I was in the first year of high school - so when Bel went through with the stuff, it was pretty strange how those stuff all pretty much came alive. Not sure I can come up with a good blog layout since Dreamweaver is totally foreign to me... but it's kinda fun ><... cuz it's something that I can relate to, in a little way.

Little later on we met Felder and his classmates for some light dinner - so light that I'm getting a little hungry right now, lols. Their MM stuffs seem so much heavier then our workloads - and sometimes I wonder if I ever chose to do MM instead, would I even be able to cope with all of it? They learn so much more software then us, and sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to listen to Kim Leng and transfer over to MM that time lols. Then again, I'm pretty much caught up with what I'm already doing right now.

Pfft.. Blabbering on the first day of school. Ah geez. I better get some sleep soon and mmm... figure out what to do for tomorrow ^^''.

Debrief! Camp Nafa!

2009-01-11T23:53:00.001+08:00

Awww crazy camp! Actually, to know in all the real full details, Shi Xin's blog has it covered lols. I'm just going to go rather brief - 'cuz school is tomorrow and I'm not even prepared - bags, stuffs, mentality and all!

I started the day really lonely - or at least, the first hour of it since no one reached that early. Half the time I was worrying whether any one I knew will be attending the camp - and even after the next half an hour it seemed like no one I knew was in sight. I was kinda worried - was praying hard that I wouldn't end up a loner during this camp or something like that, and it seems like God knew all about this way before me and... it was a pretty big surprise! Guess what? :X

I ended up spending the time in camp with not just 1, 2 or 3 people that I knew... there were about... 6? or 7?!

Jean turned up and got in. Junnie came. Felder joined us in the afternoon. Cheryl and Michelle came. I got to know a cute girl from Year 3 named Shi Xin. Also... the whole thing worked out pretty well and I'm so totally glad that I went to camp.

Most memorable moments... face painting? Got some really lame videos for that one. Poor Jean got painted all over - you know, the most loved people get painted the most! So don't worry! :D Michelle and me got painted as kitties! And Cheryl... got wings! Jay Kay even painted a flower on my back... but uh.... didn't like the flower cuz it had a stalk and a leaf lol!

Another memorable moment... team building - the amazing race! I can't tell you how sore my knees were at the end of the day - I was yipping like a puppy during the entire night. In any case - we were the first team - yay! I also met Shi Xin during that part of the journey and... the toughest challenge was this 137 steps staircase we had to climb - being the first team we were practically running around for about 20 mins or so at full speed... imagine telling us that we had to climb that?! And even after reaching the top... they told us we had to cout the steps! Faint!

Another serial from that episode was the challenge which we had to stand near the road at Peace Centre to hold up these signs "Please Honk If We Are Hot!". It was really tough at the starting 'cuz most motorists just waved at us and didn't really get what we were saying! But joy oh joy, the best part was when we ran to the traffic light and everyone got our attention - all the buses and vehicles started honking like crazy! We finished the challenge - with flying colours - way more then 20 honks - all thanks to the wonderful "audience" we had!

Yet another serial from that episode - do a scene from a movie in front of The Cathay! Our team "Pon Pon Ha" did a titanic scene which ended up having the group of us lying "dead" on the "seabed" of the Cathay. So while curious passerbys watched on, we lay on the pavement pretending to be drowned. Not forgetting we ran off shouting that "we are from Lasalle!!!" (making a joke out of our rival art school - we don't really mean it of course!).

There was an intergroup dance competition which went a little weird. Our team was surrounded by pretty good dancers but alas, the teamwork was a little jittery since not all of us were dancers and some of them were a little impatient with the non-dancers. They asked if I was a dancer once due to my dressing and another time when I did a few movements - when I though no one was noticing - and said I was pretty good! But... I have not had any training before, abeit loving to dance and maybe =.='' playing AuditionSEA alot(this sounds so lame lol). I didn't have the confidence to give any tips to the team and preferred to rely on those who had - more or less training in dance.

Things didn't work out so well and the better dancers seemed to think we were slacking since we couldn't catch up on her dance moves. It went really tough for me and Shi Xin, both of us had zero experience in dancing so all we could do is watch and try to figure it out ourselves! Was kinda desperate... the leader of the team was rather impatient to teach us and expected that we knew how to do all these dance moves by ourselves. Watching them for a corner, I did a quiet little prayer and praise the Lord! Jay Kay came into the picture and saved us from total humiliation. The dance came out great - somewhat lols!

I really appreciate this team and their independence. It is what makes them so hardworking and what helped us to win the "amazing race" competition. However... they lacked empathy for each other and failed to notice those that were lagging behind, even during the race. I did a little prayer for the start of the race - that none would be hurt and it'd all work out - and didn't expect to make it out first too. And yes... no one was hurt. Even the teachers were kinda surprised when we reported no casualties - at all. You know what, we were all very protected and very blessed, not one of us had the slightest injury... we had boundless energy to keep moving on, everyone was motivated, we were way ahead of the second team by tons of time and last of all, everything went so smoothly - the clues got figured out that quickly as we got it.

I know God was working in that place. And I can't deny it. Everytime someone came up to me and told me how surprised and amazed they were, I smile a secret smile and thank God, kinda proud of Him... knowing that all of these were only possible through Him. In a way, it was our little secret. Sometimes I wished I could just shout out and say - you know why? It's 'cuz God did it, but knowing that the people would definately look at me and think I was crazy.

I guess it's a little hard to explain until they've actually experienced it themselves... and though many times I wish I could muster a little more courage to tell them of what my Father did... but knowing that sometimes it just didn't work out that way.

There were many times during the camp when I ran into difficulties... but every time I looked to Him He removed all my obstacles in ways I could have never imagine. Also, with it, came so many memories I really could treasure... friends I knew that I could count on and trust - even for a little while.

A few years down the road I'd probably be forgotten as an ambassador... but I guess alot of memories and lessons would be etched into my head.

Memories like...

- Walking up to find Jean not sleeping beside me and upside down.
- Poking her face, seeing her open her eyes was comforting enough to let me get back to sleep...
- Someone throwing a pillow at either Felder or me, ending up in a pillow fight between two half asleep people who thought the other threw the pillow first...
- Shi Xin's vege-diet! :D:D:D:D and our experience at the 3rd floor vege place!
- The crazy 137 Steps and Honk if we are hot!
- Playing Pet Society on Felder's laptop in the middle of the dark with Jean and Felder while everyone was sleeping!
- Watching the gymnastics show on the large projector in the seminar room...
- The memorable CAN YOU PLEASE HURRY UP words - when Jean was so tired!

Still. . .

I can only hope the Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts (NAFA)'s open house can only be as GOOD as the teambuilding camp! Hurray! 16 and 17th of Jan 2009, I'll see you there :)

Rambling Rambles

2009-01-07T18:11:00.001+08:00

Something awfully weird just happened. Boarded the bus for home a moment ago - it was pretty crowded so ended up having to stand. Halfway through I felt a little uncomfortable and decided to hold on to my bag - big mistake. As I was doing so, I failed to notice the butt of a teenage girl jutting out in front of me. Swoooshhhh ... my hand brushed against her butt. My mind went into shock mode - "OMG" I froze. The girl turned around and "glared" at me while I squeaked out a "sorry!"...

Damn suay lah... accidentally swipe someone's butt also have to swipe one in an angry argument with her boyfriend. The girl went on for a few minutes bombarding her boyfriend with words like "Where were you? I was stuck there.... handle it all alone... forget it just forget it...." she hung up. I counted to two seconds - the phone rang again. She hung up his call.

Lols. That felt so familiar. In fact, it happens so much on television serials - to the extent that it did influence me somewhat in my starting few relationships. Poor guys... especially all those who have to deal with this in their lives. You could blame the media or just say it's pretty coincedental - but chances is that I have 7/10 girl friends who do that at least once in their relationships.

There was a point of time whereby a guy would then tell me how irritating it was that I did not pick up his call after a quarrel - therefore I compromised and everytime even after "hanging up" on him after a rather heated quarrel, I still picked up the phone after he called. The normal situation to that is that things would usually work out after that, but I found that sometimes, depending on the guy, things might just make a turn for the worse.

Imagine after a heated quarrel - you put down the call to break away from all the noise - and then the guy calls back - whoever was in the wrong it doesn't matter, but if instead of changing the topic away from the heated argument he still continues to try to pick a fight... then he's really asking for it.

I guess sometimes as a girl we often take for granted that at times, the guy should be the mature one who relents and gives in - but what happens when both sides are just about as immature and stubborn to boot? *laughs*... I'm just rambling again. Guess I chanced upon another piece of memory that I never really pondered about. Hmmm...

Anyhow... Pastor Prince's advice is kinda true about one thing - Husband and wives, this tiny problem that you are quarreling about will not even be remembered 10 or 2o years down the road, therefore don't let it compromise your relationship with each other... or something like that. I guess it's true in a certain way, but many times when we quarrel we often use our hearts then our heads. And to some, they use their heads... but in a rather stupid way. I shall not elaborate.

Eesh, talking junk again.
Anyone out to pick a fight with me nao? :< lols. Pardon my imperfections.

Note of Blarghiness

2009-01-07T06:07:00.001+08:00

wahahah ._.
It's freaking 6.10am...

I'm downstairs in the living room getting bitten by all sorts of weird carpet bugs but!... I've finally completed bro's blog skin. I was supposed to complete it by 3am... but the computer restarted and I wasn't able to save it in time. So... lol, I had some half completed save layout... but that means no more completed layout and I had to "sort of" restart the whole design again.

Not sure what bro'd say - but for now, the layout looks pretty alright. Not fabulous... considering that there were alot of restrictions I had to work with and I was pretty insistent on certain stubborn attributes... but in any case, I just hope it's good enough for this kids. Mmm... kids that are about to take their o levels that is, ahahaha :X:X

Right! I'm finally done with all this stuff! Hopefully I can go to camp in peace tomorrow - ease of mind! There are still a few assignments hanging but... at least the major ones are all dealt with. Oh crap. I just realised... today mother's taking me out?! Oh crap. And I'm still awake T_T... that means I won't get to sleep in for long cuz I really want to go out with her.

Wahahahahaa... Zi zao de... baka until cannot baka. Omg lols. What else am I to say?

Guess I should start washing up, see if I can show bro the layout before I get to bed and... washup all these cups that the family forgot to wash up. Man... bro's alarm has been ringing for more then 10 times already... I'm just wondering if he'd be late for school? :X Better stop blogging and go wake that kid up. He's got a longer day ahead if it's the year of the notorious o levels.

Ta for now :)

No more a worry wart! :)

2009-01-06T00:38:00.001+08:00

One main thought on my mind. I'm not looking forward to the camp because of sleeping arrangements. First of all I can't sleep on the hard floor because of my back. Second of all it could possibly have to be surrounded by girls. Lastly - If I don't sleep, my energy level would be extremely low the next day... Yet, If I don't stay over, then I'd have to travel back and forth the next day, which is kinda tedious and pretty redundant too.

Woo-boy...
Now what am I supposed to do ._.

I guess if the worse strikes, I could take the train home when the time suffices. Or I could sleep standing up? Or sitting? I don't know. It just seems pretty ridiculous at this moment since not much details are provided - just a short note like, bring ur own necessities. Like how on earth are we gonna know what we "neccessarily" need when there is not much information provided?

Sheesh....
Anyhow. I'm just going to pray about this and know that I'll all work out. Maybe I'll ask dad for help or something - he always gets the greatest ideas. Haa.. just one more thing why I love my family so much ><''... we've each got our strengths and weaknesses, but the coolest thing is that everytime we run into certain problems, there is always someone there to help us with the solution. Not to forget that God is always in the picture.

God, remind me that nothing is going to happen today(or tomorrow, or the day after, or as long as i live) that you and I cannot handle.

Something WILL work out... I'm pretty sure of that. So I guess I should... stop worrying... I suppose. ><'' ahaha... easier said then done.

Woo... Anyway. School is reopening in... a few days more, less then a week. How's the feeling running? Pretty crazy! Ohoohhohoo... the adrenaline is pumping in like there's no tomorrow. Still... this has been one of the most event packed holidays I ever had(and possibly the one whereby I'm the most broke in)... and there has been... no regrets! I'm glad the last week is for rest and... I finally made it to see what New Creation Church is like. Awesome man!

There is so much hope for the New Year ... even though, our government already spoke against it and said that we have to be ready for a tough year... but no worries! When God is around, those who belong to Him will prosper! Fear not!

I find that the sermon really spoke to me this week... and I'm really glad it did. In any case... to leave each day by day, never to worry for tomorrow - for His manna is always sufficient. Just one more thing I have to do right now though... just one little prayer that I need... and I hope, the gift will come.

Pet Peeves

2009-01-05T00:10:00.000+08:00

Please
Stop
Complaining
About
How
Your
Life
Sucks
24/7
And
365
Days

First of all, it's a major turn off.

Second of all, life is full of ups and downs, you can't just notice the negative and ignore the positive.

Third of all... I'd appreciate that as a friend, my problems aren't redundant to you and your problems aren't of major importance to me that you'd simply cast all my problems away and tell me to FOCUS on your problems every single time. I mean, don't we have a tough life too?

Saying a simply "Oh" when you ask about our problems then launching into a 3 hour complaining session of your entire life doesn't make you a good listener which you pride yourself as.

I'd appreciate if you would get a blog to rant it all down instead of flooding me AND my friends everyday and every night complaining and failing to be even sensitive even when I, or my friends, am sick, caught up with work, under major stress, undergoing a breakup or halfway attempting suicide.

Lastly, since you have simply not listened the last few times I said this... My conclusion is...

Life doesn't suck, you just do.

Get a reality check or a new friend man!
Okay chill, I'm just trying to get some fire out. So called friends... Sheesh.

Random Update

2009-01-04T00:38:00.001+08:00

It's a pretty cooling night ^^''... perfect weather to sleep in!

I think I've lost the blogging bug, somewhere. Been trying to put thoughts into words, but I'm literally brain dead. Anyhow, was out with a bunch of bro's friends the other day since I was "exchanging favours" with him(like "I accompanied him to meet his friends so he could accompany me later on" kind of exchange). Turns out, I ended up spending time with his friends at Sakae Sushi - and lols, I don't think we'd ever look at a sushi place without thinking of what happened the last time there.

Think we all laughed until we got indigestion.

Anyhow, I got more then I could ask for. Right after bro's "event", the whole group went over to Jurong Point together - so I had like... 4x the company I originally bargained for. Kinda silly thinking about it, but yeah :) once we got there I bought two books that blew my allowance away - the price? $122+... *fainted*

Anyways, it was a pretty nifty book - apart from the fact that it got a little "un-stuck". The glue for the binding came off, and I have yet to fix it. I haven't got the time to read the stories yet, but got through a little browsing. Two books for a hundred bucks T_T... I better take a hundred days to read this. One word per day or something to make it worth it...? Aw man...

Still, it wasn't a spur of the moment :X... and I really wanted to read that book so, I guess... I shouldn't complain lols. In any case, the typical stereotype of a Singaporean is to complain alot ...right? So in order to be a little more normal(lol I'm starting to crap again), we should complain more! Yeah! Singapore spirit! :3

Gawrgh.
School's starting soon...! Is anybody willing?! I've a feeling that even the lecturers will be reluctant to return. Gosh >.<''... but anyway, this term, just hoping that our class would improve and be able to pull through the next two terms to our final year. Putting all our flaws aside, I've grown quite fond of this class. The next two terms bring a whole new lot of challenges for us, but I hope that everyone would be able to pull through.

Swoooosshh~~~~~
*Whips out a chopstick and does a ninja impersonation*
1 week to school, 3 days to camp and more then 3 assignments to complete?

Someone tell me why I'm already half dead! Lols. Mmmm ><... But I'm kinda excited about tomorrow. Lets keep my fingers crossed and don't expect... anything? ><... I'm actually putting alot of hopes in this.

Hope it all goes well...

Perceptions - The fog of the Mind

2009-01-01T13:14:00.001+08:00

Rawr.. I give up meddling with my blog layout. Considering I don't have much more time :) This will do! For now anyway.

Was talking with Matt this morning and he's really convinced a guy at his workplace is gay and is interested in him. I'm not sure how the notion got about... but by the way he described it, the guy only seems just interested in his friendship - not like touchy feely or trying to approach him in a less then "pure" decent way. Then again I can't be a hundred percent sure. Still, if Matt has already stereotyped him as one, it will probably be hard to convince him if the guy wasn't gay and was just trying to be friendly.

I guess one reason why I'm pretty uptight about this is probably the way I grew up - among guys. Those who grew up together with me can vouch that I mingle with guys much more easily then girls, though now I'm currently learning the ropes, but it somehow gives other guys - who don't know me well enough - the wrong impression. At many times when I'm just being friendly or polite - they take it as a go ahead that I'm interested in them or that I'm worth a catch.

Which really isn't my intention.

Still, if their mind already stereotypes it... there is nothing much I can do about it. I remember there was a dude in high school who had really low self esteem but was interested in chasing one of my high school best friends. Since we were pretty close chums, me and him, I went on to explain that he wasn't a bad catch and that he shouldn't look down on himself. I guess I used the wrong word - that I "liked" him - was about to say "as a friend" but he cut me off and said "no, I'm not interested". I didn't know if I should feel mildly amused or offended, but after that incident we begin to drift off further away from each other's friendship.

I used to think that that was the most crap thing about being a girl - guys seem to get the wrong impression often. Mix around with guys too much and they'd classify you as a flirt or a tomboy. In jr. high, it was a tomboy - simply because I played sports as well as guy could and was rather plain and geekish. In high school looks changed for the better but yet the stereotypes became worse and sometimes I'd even be classified as flirt for talking to a close guy friend or another - and the way that gossips ran, it wasn't too hard to mar my reputation, or build a false rendition of it anyway.

I can't control the way I look or the way I react to people. How would it feel if you grew up thinking the whole world's your friend but end up more often getting hurt or giving the wrong impression? I'm sorry! But I'm still learning. The world isn't a nice playground as I thought it was when I was still growing. And though experiences taught me a whole lot about not trusting every single person you meet, it is not guaranteed that my mind wouldn't fall to a false exterior. So my apologies... that I'm not living up to it as the world EXPECTS me to live up to, every single part of my life.

Just when I was confident and happy go lucky, the world wanted me to be quiet and withdrawn. While my personality dwindled, they wanted me to come out of my quiet shell. While once I was sensitive, they taught me not to cry. When I stopped shedding my tears - they told me I was insensitive. Sometimes... I really don't understand, is this the way the world should run? Must we always live to what people expect...? To be happy? To be liked?

Many people in this world want to be seen as they are... but sadly, when the people do, it doesn't necessarily guarantee that they'd see what they like. Do we then conform? Do we then change into some typical stereotype that the whole world desires? What then is the typical stereotype - and then what would make us any different from the woman down the road with caked makeup and falsetto who smiles fake smiles and blinks her eyes at you?

As much as I say this... how easy is it to accept people for what they really are? For we are all people with flaws...

Still, if only we could just put on the shoes of the person for just a 5 minutes... or even 1 minute, or even just 10 seconds... what a difference it would make towards our perception of the person...?

Maybe sometimes we could just try to give a person a chance, probably the only chance most people could have... would be the chance we would give them. Would you stand by and let their only chance fade away?

I guess that's something I would really want to think about. How about you? :\

The First Stepping Stone

2009-01-01T02:51:00.001+08:00

Hey! It's the New Year :)
How does it sound? Good? Bad? Average?

I'm not sure how I'm thinking of my new year. It's something... "new"(lol? pretty much a pun-ny word to use). Although my family originally planned to go for the watchnight service at the FMC, we decided to have a small family service instead. Let's say we never had it before but probably talked about it a million times and never got it done. And today... we did it, finally!

So we had some light worship - which felt awkward singing from a laptop, holy communion - with real bread and wine and some singing again till it past midnight. Kinda raw, but it's a start!

New Year means... new resolutions, new direction, new this and that - things we wanna do, things we wanna complete. I guess for this new year, what I really want to do is to grow in a deeper relationship with God, my family and the people I'm closer with. For the past, to treasure, to love, to forgive, to move on from. From this day I'm hoping that I can move on forward and not remain too long in the past, even though there are many treasured memories there.

The Past is history, the Future is a mystery but Now... is a gift. Which is why we call it the Present.

That quote is really meaningful :) I got it from Kungfu Panda but I've heard it somewhere else before. Whoever it originates from, thank you for your simple yet logical insight!

Although there are 7 days to the Student Ambassador Camp and 11 days to school reopening... I have a feeling that it might be wiser to get my internal clock back on track and start removing all the disorder in my room which I've gotten a little too comfortable in. Last of all... I want to end this entry with another quote from another anoymous person.

Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen today that You and I cannot handle.

The news speak of catastrophy, the astrology signs speak of work and tediousness, the people speak of end-times... and while I'm very aware that though I am breathing and very well alive today, tomorrow might just grant me a different story. And though life is vulnerable and the end is at nigh, but let me rest my weary heart upon the Lord and let Him guide me through the good and tough times.

For those who read this... whoever you present yourself as, my friend or foe... I pray that you'd be blessed this year - with joy, with love, with the grace of God. May you discover new opportunities in your life and may the light shine out of the darkest of moments... and the Lord, if you will allow Him, will be by your side guiding you ever step of the way.

Lord, this year I'm praying for this people who have taken the slightest notice of this entry, and I want to bless them for being here even though I don't know their presence. That maybe someday... they will notice the warmth of Your embrace, the way You have blessed us and our families. Thank you for watching over those who trust in Your never failing love and guidance. This year Lord, watch over us and protect us as we venture into the unknown.

My friends...
Have a blessed New Year!

Brrr...

2008-12-27T17:30:00.001+08:00

Oh crap.
This is totally weird.
I was on Audition this morning when this girl messaged me and said,"Hi, you are cute". Being polite I messaged back, "thanks". Then she started adding me and constantly messaging me, even switching teams into my team and caused us to lose a couple of times - and stalked me around Audition asking for my email until I logged off. o.o...

Well.. maybe it's not that weird 'cuz I was on my brother's account earning dens :X but still...!

It's still weird ._.
I didn't know girls were so "ON" these days. Find a cute guy you like - stalk him until he goes crazy then claims him as yours. Rawr. Now do all you want but leave your hands off my brother :<

Just when I thought my own account already had it bad... guys are being stalked in Audi now. Sheesh, what next?

Whatever it is... I think something crossed my mind that... no, I'm really not ready for my brother to start dating yet. Thank God he's a stubborn one... if not, I'll take apart any girls that even dare break his heart. So there.

Brrhghhh~~

2008-12-27T01:27:00.001+08:00

Rawr...
I'm sleeping in later and later!
Last night I slept at 6am... and woke at 3pm.
Awhhh.... Ridiculous!!

I'm turning nocturnal... in a rather drastic way.
This can't be happening.

I'm kinda glad most of the holiday work is over... or at least - not pending anymore. I went to the library to return all my books today... most of it only half read but that was all I could afford since I was rushing other work. I guess it is time I stop rushing time along and really focus and slow down... before I break down during the school term lols.

Yawh. Looks like I'd be at home the entire week since my parents are home :3... Not complaining! Most of the time they are out - so when I sleep half the day away - it's actually quite reasonable - so that I don't get too lonely during the day time.

Mmmm~! School is starting soon wahhaha...
Not sure if "can't wait!!!!" suits this scenario cuz... lol, I'm really so not prepared!! All this while I keep worrying about the exams that approach so fast... The after effects from the last term is still causing me to shiver abit - physically and alot - mentally.

Raawrrrr... My whole body's flushed on adrenaline just thinking about it!! But I'm still... really... excited! In a way lols... Excited in a nervous and worrying sort of way... barrrgghhh...

Anyhow. Gotta stop panicking lols..
At least I know that I still have a week or less to slack around and try to calm my nerves. Cheers to that! :3

Unsent Letter

2008-12-26T05:18:00.001+08:00

To... A Brother-in-Christ.

Sometimes in life we ask God...

Why do people we love the most betray our love? Why God, Why?

But one day we would look back on this and be thankful that God let the person slip away - to allow us to meet the right one.

For are we not born with nothing but the skin of our bodies, yet we are given much.

Friends, family, people we come across each day... the food we eat and the water we drink. And doesn't He bless the people who are alongside with God's children?

Abd as much as the Lord has blessed me, He can take away.

Who am I to deny Him?

Yet not worry, for when we lose control, God is in control.
Our Father is a loving God. As much as our fathers on earth who will give us the best things they can afford... more so is our Father in Heaven. Trust that He will give the best for you and doubt not His actions. For did He not say - I have a plan for you? And trust that His plans are good.

Trust in His abundance... for his abundance exceeds those we can ever imagine or limit ourselves to thinking...

My brother in Christ, though you may never read this, I pray that you will stay strong. It seems improper if I communicate with you since we are only acquaintances. I can only pray and know that God will guide you on this journey... and for each tear you shed, you will only grow stronger in faith and mind.

For God understands our need and our pain. For ever unseen knife that stabs our hearts, He has felt it a thousand times over. He will not leave you in your hour of need. He will not forsake you. Though right now in your anguish of your loss of a love one blinds you to see His Goodness... He will not take it against you for He understands.

We cry out - why does the sun still rise and the birds still sing? Is it not a day of sadness that we have lost the one we have loved so dearly? Should it not rain and the sun never rise?

Though sometimes we do not really understand... it's God's way of telling us... even as we sleep, even as we cry and even when we don't feeling like doing anything else at this very moment... He is working 24/7 - (doesn't the sun rise...?), watching over us. Even as the world forsakes us, He will be there with us.

For He is faithful, unlike no other. For He has chosen you, He will not leave you, especially so when you need him the most.

My dear friend, seek comfort in Him, and He will grant you rest...

Just like He granted me... relief from my pain and anguish... I trust that He will do so for you. And right now... I've never been more thankful that He is always there for me and you. Be blessed and go in peace.

Scribbled thoughts... that are rather muddled.

2008-12-26T04:20:00.001+08:00

There's alot on my mind right now that makes me really ponder about things - say the future. I know this really shouldn't bother me but yeah, one can't help but get a little curious to what would happen. I remember about weeks back when Jean was sharing with me about some Astrology stuff - saying that this year would be a tough year for me because I would be forced to grow up - even if I didn't really want to, and that this year would be an addition of responsibilities.

I didn't really trust Astrology before - almost skeptical about it since they are pretty "vague" about the way they say about stuff. But funny, that sentence is like something I can totally relate. And like yeah... I do realize that I've been forced to grow up... in a rather peculiar way.

I used to dread discipline and am rather comfortable in semi-messed layouts of my bedroom - but now, it kinda feels pretty comfortable, strangely. All of a sudden my mind has readjusted to some organized freak that I don't even recognise anymore. I'm doubting it will stay for long but right now - clearing alot of past stuffs and old burdens sure helped alot. Also - been chancing upon lots of old photographs and notes that I kept ever since primary school to high school... kinda brings back alot of memories.

I realized in a way that I've grown accustomed to becoming rather adaptive. Lifestyle-wise, relationship-wise, friendship-wise... in a way there are vast differences in the way I react and grow in. Growing up in a strict-discipline maintained environment that grew into a semi-freedom environment kinda made a difference in my life - I find that now I'm able to adapt quite reasonably to both.

Take for example Kiera's House which I stayed over in Australia. It was supposedly a house of rules and I pretty much survived well there. Take any random kid like... say some kid who has known freedom all her life and put her there and she'll suffer and try to rebel - just like Kiera in a way. As much as I find her actions quite admirable - knowing to break out of trend and create new surroundings, I'm beginning to think that being able to blend in doesn't hurt too much once in awhile.

Right now I'm feeling really comfortable with my life as no one is expecting me to fit into any mould of their minds. Family are people who really accept you for who you are - and you can trust them to tell you the truth if you really suck at doing something, really good at doing something, or simply need some critical advice. This comes to the next question a good friend asked me recently - what kind of guy do you think you can live with? As in future partner and stuff like that?

I guess for me it would be someone who I can accept for being who he is? Mmm... someone you feel really comfortable with, communicate well with and... don't pick a fight with you quite so often? Just like family, each of us know that we have faults with each other but yet know how to appreciate and understand each other's faults.

Just a thought...
Sometimes when things get really tough like brother-sister quarrels(don't get me wrong, I really love my kid brother), I find that I don't get mad at him for long - simply because he is my brother and is somehow related to me. I guess I wouldn't be as lenient if he is just ... an acquaintance or friend? Sometimes it's the bond that holds us together - putting up "for the sake of putting up" with a sibling helps sometimes... mm, I'm running in circles here hmm..

What I'm trying to say is... thank God that my brother is my brother. 'Cuz if he was just some guy-friend I have, I'd probably have lost him as a friend a long time ago - either by him offending me or me offending him - since we are both rather strong headed and witty and know each other's weaknesses(and tricks) well. Being a sister to him has taught me to appreciate people even better. That... despite all our faults, everyone has a really lovable side. So even though he may be the one who "quarrels" with me the most - since we practically grew up together amidst stuff toys and books and stuff... he is also the one I protect the most and love most dearly, and the silly kid protects me pretty much too, now that he has grown up and is a head taller then me.

When I was a kid I used to complain that I wished I had a sister instead - or that sometimes I wish he wasn't there to take my parents' attention away when I was a kid... well... I think I've grown rather fond of him and enjoy his company alot. If God made him my friend instead of my brother... I guess I would have been too blind to notice all his good qualities which also grew in time.

How does this all relate? ...
Just like relationships... although sometimes we may find the someone in our lives hard to put up with, the ultimate thought is that there is a bond between the both of you and if you are married or already engaged, all the more you should learn to put up with each other's differences. In time - with a wee bit of effort... we may learn to understand that even though we may quarrel with our life partner - or future life partner - there are many times that while we were trying to get our points across, we fail to see the goodness in that person that is all just too clear to see.

Just a reminder to my future self and those who want to take this advice to heart...

The person in your life is there for a reason. And when you marry, you swore to be with the person through thick and thin, through life and death. Though we may meet many others in our future lives.. we must not forget that once upon a time we made a promise to this person to stay together for life. There is a reason behind every promise... don't let changes in your life overwrite them. Make good this promise, and perhaps we may see new light.

Saying is much easier then doing...
But why not give it a try before giving it all up...?

Our parents may leave us someday and so would our siblings... one day our life partner may be the only family that we would have left.

I just hope that I wouldn't have to read this entry 20 years from now... and learn my lesson before it happens to me. And not to forget above all this, God is in control even when we lose control...

My words may sound foolish... even to myself right now - and I'm not too sure why I'm blogging it. The thoughts are a little raw right now... maybe after some thinking, I might be able to refine this thoughts into new conclusions in the future. Let's just hope I don't have to endure another major traumatic event to learn my next lesson...

Japanese Game Show

2008-12-26T03:48:00.001+08:00

Try to watch this without laughing.
This is a japanese gameshow whereby you cannot laugh while watching this japanese dude try to read english - or you'd get spanked. .___.

Good luck people.

Reflections of the Past

2008-12-25T01:46:00.001+08:00

Update : Long entry! Skip this entry if you don't wanna get bored. I was trying to unburden my mind.

Here is what I was doing at around 12 midnight - right after carols by the candlelight with Felder and my family. Was kinda fun... like how my candle flame kept blowing out and the lady in front burnt her paper cup with the candle....

:X:X::X

And the dinner afterwards - Yum :) The guy who served me laughed when I misunderstood him when he was talking about ketchup or chilli. I thought he was talking in English - but he was talking in chinese - so a big "huh?" continued.

So here's what I was doing..... a ... Handwriting.... Analysis!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Report ...
Tarraatarah!!~~~

You are a confident person and have a positive approach towards life and its events. Hence, you are cheerful and exuberant.

Mm Hmm.. Pretty much.

You are an independent person with fine disposition and no prejudices. Negatively, however, upright writing signifies self-centeredness and rigidity. Your head rules over your heart.

True for all... but head rules over heart... only recently.

Your writing suggests that you are a committed person, that is, you demonstrate dedication and perseverance in your work.

Agreed.

You believe in saving your money. Hence, you handle money like a miser as you are reserved about it.

._. Depends. I just spent my entire allowance on Christmas Presents and therefore am broke. But yeah... I do believe in saving money. So this is partially correct.

You are cautious, such that you think several times before taking an action or starting a new venture.

Averse to risks? Most of the time *looks at words sheepishly*

You want the world to see the best of you. And hence you try to project the same.

Who doesn't? ;)

You are an active person who is a quick thinker and efficient. But, you also tend to be restless and impatient.

Ahahaha ._. Caught red handed. But I'm learning to be more patient now... almost ><''.

You are a dependable and trustworthy person.

Sounds GOOD :D... Uhh... ^^''

You are not very ambitious and hence, do not keep your goals very high.

Heh. Depends. I'm ambitious but not overly ambitious... wait till you hear about my latest ambition............. *smiles mysteriously* lol

You handle criticism with your cool temperament and dignity.

Try partially in tears. I don't handle critism too well. Or maybe only sometimes on different occasions?

You have reasonable keenness in the task you undertake.

If it's something interesting? I'm on it. Boring? Forget keenness!

You like to be in the limelight and center of attraction in the crowd.

Mmmmm.... sometimes. But if I did something embarrassing? No thanks ._.

You are least concerned about gratifying the world and rather look forward to your own contentment through the completion of your task.

True true :3 The world can wait while I entertain myself by lazing around in bed wahahah ._. I'm kidding.

You are an active and a forward thinking person.

Almost there.

You are an extrovert and hence, like to socialize with the people.

Try Semi-Extrovert. I do love to socialize, but I love my own personal time too.

You use your agile hands very often and are nimble in doing mechanical work.

AGILE?! *dies of laughing*
Ah but yeah... I love sewing ._. and making emos... and doing handiwork. Fine, they got me :<

You believe in living life to the fullest and consider amusement and bliss as very important.

I believe in the essence of fun loving and jokes, yes.

You lack vital strength of mind and will to accomplish you work.

Willpower! Come to me T_T

You are flexible and practical which works to your advantage. The balance outlook of yours helps you adapt yourself according to the crowd.

Hmm... If only I'm flexible as a rubberband. Then maybe I can tie the knots of my problems together...

---- End of Report ----

Okay! All in the sake of fun lols. I find that my personality changes pretty much in different stages of my life... and though I'm not always sure it's for the better, it's nice to play around with personality reports and see what major changes happen. I think I've pretty much lost my quick temper and "the-whole-world-is-against-me" mindset. At least that's what I had in high school lols... won't like to know me then. And alot of other queer personality mishaps.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I remember when I was in the first year of high school ... if I got pissed with someone I could throw a table at the person! mwahaha. But now.. uh... forget lifting the table ._. ... I won't even launch into a debate unless the person provoked me for a rather long time or did something that I countlessly told him/her not to. Funny how we kids grow up...

Still, after all the personality changes... sometimes I wonder whether we lost the perfect essence of ourselves?

- Me at age 3 was a shy, hide behind mummy's skirts kid. lmaoz.

- Age 4~5 I got involved in drama schools and became quite keen on performing and singing... abeit I think it sounded quite bad as a kid wahahha ._. poor old aunties' ears.

- Age 6~7 A goody two shoes... but things went horribly wrong when I got blamed for things I did not do. This was the first time I got really exposed to the real world - backstabbing, blaming, getting in trouble even when you don't even do things wrong.

- Age 8~9 Troublemaker. Fed up with getting scolded? I was also overly curious and that got me in trouble all the time. Oh... and I learnt to catch spiders too... went tomboyish and also got into fights - and won them.

- Age 10~11 Something went terribly wrong when a good friend betrayed me to a gang. Things went especially wrong when the gang leader was interested in 11 year old nerdish me. And I stupidly played into their hands.

- Age 12. Operation... lost between studies and knowing that I had scoliosis. Lost of confidence - I wasn't able to do active stuffs that I normally did.

- Age 13. First year of school after the operation. Got bullied easily cuz of the braces I had to wear in my first month. Was also the breakthrough point whereby I started noticing my talents in arts and music... songwriting, poetry, etc. But they all couldn't fit into school curriculum... had to suppress all of them to study science and maths... which made me hate those subjects.

- Age 14. Was pretty good at maths... until my secondary school teacher took a hatred to me, accusing me of the most ridiculous things - like pasting a sanitary napkin on the school gate. Like what on earth? Crazy woman. I flunk maths ever since cuz I could never catch up after one missed year of sec 2.

- Sec 3 repeated year. Met a guy who changed my whole life - for good and for bad.

- First year of Nafa. The guy seemingly "disappeared" out of my life. We never met for about 1+ months... therefore broke up by sms.

- Later on... Met a guy who taught me how to love.

- Start of Second year... the guy turned into a stranger. Or at least... it made me rather confused cuz he changed so much it seemed like he was an entirely different person - or at least I was just too blind to see that. Never could get over it after that.

- Personality took on another major change after this. Not sure why... even I am wondering what caused the 360 degree turn. I guess, the start there was alot of loss of confidence. Then the redirection of mindset. No longer relying on guys but on myself. Like how I used to look for protection in a guy... well... I'm starting to fill up all the empty gaps with myself right now.

Like how I always needed company in everything I did...? I took the first step and went out to explore places on my own. Like when I always needed excitement in my life - I created my own. What supposedly was meant to be a guy's place in my life... I filled it up with myself. From that day on I protected myself and I was only responsible for myself and no one else...

// Started hiding ideas and talents... becoming cautious...
// Sharing less thoughts to people, keeping the most personal thoughts in poems and stories.
// Trusting no one except myself...

Sometimes I wonder...
Whether there would be someone in this world that I could fully trust?
Not someone who could just say I could trust him/her... but seriously could.

Till then... I will fly solo. Funny. I feel like a huge load is lifted off my mind.
I'm feeling sorry for whoever read this entry - feeling bored yet? :<
Merry Christmas my friends.

Dreamy...

2008-12-24T15:55:00.001+08:00

Tres. There was a rather nervous feeling creeping at the back of her neck. Things are not going to plan... there is something - out there - bracing itself to attack. Sinister... oh so sinister. She shivered. This isn't normal. She turned, gathered her notes and slipped into the room which contained her two best mates. They knew not of what was approaching - but there was not much time to explain. Only one thing to do... "Hey, let's go. I'm hungry..." Her friend turned to her and smiled,"Me too. Let's go grab a bite". The other nodded in acknowledgement. She hussled them both out of the building and were on the sidewalk when BOOM, the building behind her exploded and erupted into flames. "OMG?! What on earth just happened?!" her friend exclaimed. She left the both of them chattering and thankful that they were seemingly lucky to have left the building and turned her thoughts back on. Looks like the battle is on.

Yawn, what a nice morning! All drizzle-ly and with the nice cool breeze. I was up till about 6 in the morning - seemingly fully awake - so I started on doing the laundry and some minor packing. Opening the door of my "chamber" I noticed that the lights were on down the staircase. Creeped down and found my mother downstairs doing some folding... looks like someone else can't sleep too.

After a nice mug of cereal and cookies(which I had been eyeing the whole night), I shuffled into bed with the gears in my mind still moving around. Took me sometime to sleep... and then... it's been like that all the way till about 3~4pm. Consuming food before I sleep gives me dreams ha... something I haven't had been having since a long time. This dream was semi realistic... but it listed a problem or two that I had not notice in my consciousness. It was like a scenario that played out during the first day of school... creepy though, with all the flashes and side effects. Sometimes a day in lalaland is almost like watching a movie marathon... I could stay in all day watching.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if dreams were reality and reality was the other way around... only one thing's for certain though - I wouldn't last one day in dream-reality. Well... only to keep dreaming.

Favourited

2008-12-22T23:04:00.001+08:00

Two Videos O_O...
Kinda Fine Arty but... interesting.
Credits to Youth.Sg for blogging it up.

Coordination :

Breakup :
Warning... a little gory.

Thinking again hmm...

2008-12-22T20:31:00.001+08:00

Dos... Sunlight filtered in through the translucent curtains and rested on the edge of her bed. Part of her noticed the new addition to the room but most of it was submerged in the dreams that were playing out in her mind. Dreams... just like hovering in between consciousness and subconsciousness. Time was still. Even the ticking of her bedroom clock did not interfere with the tranquility of rest. She shifted, turning her body away fr0m the caressing wind and deeper into the folds of her quilt.

It felt heavenly... the texture against skin and the warmth that seemed just right. Just as she thought subconsciously about how wonderful life was in this very moment... something whizzed pass her ear and shattered the vase beside her. She groaned inwardly. Time to get up.

It's 3 days to Christmas. Time sure passes pretty fast. Just one moment ago it felt like I was still rushing for my midterms... and now, reality check. School is starting pretty soon - and it never fails to remind me.

Bro's flying over to Cambodia tomorrow. I miss him already - silly kid. He came into my room a moment ago asking to borrow this and that, with a silly grin on his face. I guess he's quite sheepish about borrowing stuff at the very last moment. Still, I don't really mind, just hoping it will be a week soon and he'll be back all safe and sound. Only problem is - one week later IS going to be the ambassador week soon.

Overnight at school... like how cool is that? Just a thought though - where on earth would we be sleeping on? They didn't even tell us to bring any stuffs except the shirts on our backs... Was raising this issue over to Bro this afternoon when he suggested that we all sleep in the lecture theatre, nicely bent over on the desk and sprawl over our books - perfect.

Or maybe we wouldn't even be sleeping and we'd all be zombie-ing around. 2 days without sleep... are the organisers really that cruel? Lols. Felder reckons that it will be a pretty tough day to handle. Oh... and Jean can't join us cuz they don't accept last minute entrees now. Crap.

I'm not exactly a social butterfly... but I sure hope it will be alright! At least if anything goes wrong I'd be able to escape into a cocoon. Hoping that the people there would be people I know... fingers crossed!

Coming to the subject about Audition. I was hanging out at Audi - Entry today when the host of the room told me to go get a license. I don't intend to - never would intend to with my Shandy... and "he" then claimed "he" was a level 15 female player and DEMANDED that I go to Free Channel 8 to have a 1 Vs 1 with "him". Upon winning the game - the game automatically disconnected and I realised that I had no idea what his id was. So I hung around free 8 for awhile then decided to quit playing and surf the net.

Half an hour towards an hour later... I logged in to see words sprawned in my message box with words like - u don't dare come 1 v 1 you hum ji(coward in hokkien) nuuber... stuff like that and was kinda surprised - totally forgot about the whole incident. Minutes later I entered into the game - of course at the same time with her continuously pming me with the words "noob" and "hum ji" and threatening to mega all over Audition that I was a coward. Was actually quite amused for awhile - i mean like... no one would really care if she did that... but anyway, played along.

Entered the locked room and saw that the song was playing at 130bpm. My heart sank - Not very good at 130 bpm and she seemed... pretty confident. So with her continuing to rant how much of a coward I was - we started the game. Turns out... she wasn't so good at the game and even though I lost the first game - the scores were pretty close. In the midst of it - she started saying stuff like... "Eh... I'm a noob eh heh heh *missed the bar* eh see i miss again.. heh heh heh ... eh, want to be friends?"

Dots...
People change sides really fast ._____.
I agreed - but shuddered to think what would happen if I lost badly. All in all.. that was a first experience I had with a girl like that on Audition. Though it was kinda childish - I believe that she's probably a kid to do such a thing - it was, in a way, pretty intimidating. Then again... it could just be all in the mind - all this fear for nothing.

Thinking back, maybe why this gets so scary was because I got bullied by gangsters before lols... the situation is kinda similar. Though some of the gangsters ended up becoming friends and all sorts of stuff like that... sometimes I wonder why in particular... those people in my life chose me to pick on then. There were times I fought back and there were times I simply ran... it's been a long time but... yeah. Kinda etches on into my memory.

Sometimes the past knocks on our door... do we open them or pretend we are not home? Guess that's something we got to think about.

Brainstorm - Twin Mode

2008-12-21T20:01:00.001+08:00

Uno - As night glides in, the stillness of the evening seems to fade. Shadows hide and run for cover - but many seem to be swallowed by the impending sight. "It is coming! It is coming!" the remaining shadows whispered. "It is soon arriving... how fast our lives depart..." As I approached the streets, the chatter seemed to die down and fade... doors that were open slammed shut while the chill of the air seemed to engulf my senses. Certainly... most certainly... It was time.

Bedtime. Another day that just passed like... that. I don't know. I'm looking forward to school as much as I'm NOT looking forward to school. Don't get me started here... I'm flustered. Worried. Afraid. Some part of me wants to go into defensive mode and launch into twin mode.

S1 : Hey! What are you so flustered about? It's just another school term. Go to school, enjoy yourself to the fullest then panic at the last few weeks - then ta daah! Another term is over.
S2 : You don't really understand, do you? If I flunk it means re-doing modules, paying extra cash, attending a hell lot more classes. And you know what? After this year I'd have to do an internship - and that freaks the hell out of me. I'm not even prepared!!!!
S1 : Well then - what have you been doing all term? Slacking? Pfft - definately not! Maybe a little, but hey. Haven't you been doing all sorts of those poster thingies and models and book thingies...?
S2 : Well yeah.. but...
S1 : EXACTLY. That's what you have been doing them for. To gain experience, to get you ready for the trade! What did you think you were doing them for - fun's sake? If that's the case I can't believe you actually crammed so hard just for fun?
S2 : ....
S1 : What the blubberfish?! Are you freaking serious?! You stayed up so many nights, printed so much stuff, spend so much greens and yet... you say that's for fun?!
S2 : Not exactly but... yeah. It just didn't occur to me that way... that it was for the experience and all... but uh... thanks, that actually makes some sense now. BUT! I still don't exactly have the confidence to pull it all off. There are interviews! People to meet up with, resumes to do!
S1 : Well you don't have to worry about the interview part now, do you? One at a time, sheesh. You sounded like you were trying to catch a bullet train.
S2 : *mumbles* More like catching my flying tombstone...
S1 : Pardon?
S2 : Mm. Nothing. Well... anyway, thanks for the chat, that helped somewhat.
S1 : ;) What are buddies for.

....... Okay that was weird. But sometimes looking at things from another angle really does help to solve problems. The more I thought of it as it wasn't my problem - the easier it was to solve. Heck, don't we often find it easy to solve problems for others but never find a way to solve for ourselves? This is one way you can ease that...

Just, got to get used to the weirdness maybe lol.
And for goodness sake don't talk to yourself in public! People would stare!

....

*Sound of crickets creaking*

S1 : Uhh... You do know that your blog is some what public right...?
S2 : ....

Okay this is getting out of hand. Off to bed.

Burning burning...!

2008-12-21T02:33:00.001+08:00

I'm actually worried about the fact that school is reopening...

Not enough rest yet ><...
And then there is the Ambassador's Meet...
Which is in about 2 weeks...

Okay freeze.

3 weeks before school starts.
2 weeks before ambassador's meet.
1 week before deadline of completion of the Christmas preparations.

.______.
I don't even have had the time to rest yet!
Jeepers. Hope I don't burn out before school starts...

Oh and consolation for today ^___________^
I'm actually happy that I have a new pair of shoes. LMAOZ. So "girl" right? I'm not like that usually lol. Surprise surprise... unlike most shoe lovers... (think shoe infested shop full of girls) I only have 1 pair of decent shoes. The other pair is a pair of slippers - a no-no for school - or pair of heels from prom in Aussie - double no-no. And now finally........!

Another comfy pair :)
I can practically leap for joy.

One less worry :D
If my cat got hungry and chewed up on my trusty timberland shoe... which I wear nearly everywhere... at least I don't have to go barefoot. Rawr. I just hope it doesn't take long to break the shoe in.

Blisters are so not cool.

Oh dear

2008-12-18T14:41:00.001+08:00

Ya know what?!
3 weeks before school reopens.
FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fine... you don't have to freak out if you ain't from NAFA. But if my memory didn't fail me, my heart felt like it stopped when Jean smsed those words to me last night.

3 weeks like... omg?
Where did my lovely holiday go T_T

No I'm not prepared to go to school.
I'm not prepared to meet my new lecturers...
And I'm certainly not prepared for the deadlines!
And my room is still in a mess!!!

Well not exactly a mess - I kinda rearrange the entire furniture ._. but that's about all. The only problem is that everytime I rearrange them - I end up not being able to find all sorts of stuffs - cuz I'm not sure where I packed everything into. In a way I'm thankful my room isn't bigger then it actually is right now.. or I'd have a harder time finding all my other stuffs.

Now if only I made a map to where everything is in my room .___.

Flee from the cupboard monster...

2008-12-16T21:57:00.001+08:00

I'm overcome with two rather uncomfortable events. One of which - someone is back in my life and I'm going to start watching my back. Two of which - One of my favourite lecturers dropped me and email to say that she won't be teaching us next term.

Overcome by sadness and yet respect. This makes the notion of what next year would be like - a little foggier. Not sure what's going to hit us... not sure how to be mentally prepared either.

Was talking to my kid brother a moment ago. Not that he's a kid anymore - he's a head taller then me and always talking in complicated english. He has so many dreams and aspirations - sometimes I envy the way he's living. Like aiming for a top school - in science and math? Something I'd never dream of doing. In my time it was - just try to graduate out of high school and escape the overbearing assignments to a poly or something. But for him... well... I have a feeling he could just make it quite high.

The two of us... two complete differences yet we can relate on many different levels. He is totally science inclined while I'm overly artsy. When we were kids I probably never thought of how we would be like twenty years down the road... I guess, even if I ever tried thinking I would never suspect that we would go down these paths.

Was clearing my hard disk a moment ago when I chanced upon my old graduation photos... It's funny how many things our mind has clearly forgotten... could all be revived just by the sight of a couple of photos. Saw a few of Wen as well - during some sushi hangout and stuff... and also Yukineko - a cat which I only had for a day and yet they wanted me to return her to the shop 'cuz she was very sick - I can't believe... I forgot about that as well.

Then an old acquaintance called and ... that was totally unexpected. A junior from high school smsed too...

Wait...
Is it just strange or what...? That this very day my past seems to be catching up with me? Strange coincedence that all of it is happening at the same time. Even those I've clean forgotten... are back in wild vivid colours.

A bad habit of mine is to block out the past - so that my current self won't get hurt. At the start it seems really tough - but eventually I forget. You can imagine my shock when someone whom I've totally forgotten about calls me and starts talking like old times when... I don't even know such incidents happen. Just like right now.. I don't even want to make any contact with Teguh so that I can forget any possible form of experience we had together. Every time a memory of him comes up... I block it out. Just like a couple of days ago when I was checking my email, I chanced upon the emails we sent each other while I was in Australia and he was back home. Boy that hurt.

I know it's bad blocking out everything... but the fact is I don't know how to heal all these wounds that I find it much easier to just block it out. Some I retain but alot I rather it all fade.

The tough thing right now is that the past is catching up with me so fast that... I don't even know what how I can defend myself against it. How do you defend yourself against something you've clean forgotten about...?

It's time to just stop and pray hard.
Hope this goes well.

*shivers*

Lethargic

2008-12-15T23:31:00.001+08:00

I suppose I'm feeling a little more lethargic then usual. Life seemingly has taken alot of twist and turns - to the extent that I find myself a little lost at times. At this very moment... kinda feeling really antisocial. Been a little too deprived of my personal time recently with all the stuffs going on - not that I don't like hanging out but - at this very moment, finding myself really uncomfortable with all the chores hanging out in my room.

I don't think I'd be in the mood for anything especially when I see the laundry pile up, my room's in a semi-unorganised state and there's this feeling of things left undone. Funny, I used to be really comfortable when things were messy - but seemingly have developed into a organised freak ever since... the breakup. Not that I'm blaming anything on it but just... find it strangely curious of that fact that I've taken on a major personality switch after it all happened.

Psychologist suggest that it is possible after a major traumatic event. I can hardly consider it traumatic. Maybe I'm still growing? ><... by any chance? Lmaoz.

I think it's just a coincedence.

Also... with the feeling of my parents looming over my head everytime I head out - seemingly afraid that I would start getting attached - the notion of going out dating - even with girl friends for goodness sake... I tend to get really awkward. Like how... do they even think I would start dating. I don't think I intend to sprout out into another essay about why I don't feel like dating anymore... it's just, just a statement.

I feel like heading off on a soul-searching trip...
This is kinda like a time when there are so many questions in my head and irregardless of how much time I spend pondering about it, they don't seem to hold any answers. That's the "good" thing about staying off relationships - my mind gets clearer. Then again - foggier when I start thinking too much. Just remembered that Jean was showing me some astrology book the other day when it said that relationships are my only weaknesses. Not sure if the word was only or "main" or... something. I don't really believe in astrology .. but that is kinda true.

Maybe staying off relationships is a good idea.

I don't know lols. I find it very easy to trust my family - simply because we have the same bloodline. But others... now... finding it really hard. Being friends is one thing - trusting them is another. Guess that is another major flaw that came out of that failed courtship. Not sure whether it benefits or harms me more though...

I'm wondering what life is leading into...
No main purpose, just lot of minor yet jam-packed events... would this be what I'm going to live like for the rest of my years? ><...

Just like a wildfire that has to be tamed...
My pathways led to a thousand cities but can only end up in one.
For now let me roam free and search for my destiny.

Tick Tock...

2008-12-15T03:16:00.001+08:00

Ohmygoshflyingfishonajumpingcandlestick.
3am and I'm still awake ><...
I think I'm suffering from jet lag... without even taking the jet!
>< Aw man...
Better get into bed soon...
If my panda eyes get any worse I'd be wearing a pirate by the end of the month... Except... with two eye patches instead of one!

*shudders*
Better get some sleep ><.

Lost and found

2008-12-15T00:42:00.001+08:00

Oh gosh...
Overslept this morning and had to endure a earful. I guess I had better buck up - don't want to afford missing my classes when school starts ><... but I was really tired.

I guess everything that happened today was pretty unexpected. Though, kinda got some souveniers for the day ^^... missed the event though, but strangely, seemingly satisfied with all the events that had already happened - I was already pretty exhausted by then. I guess mistakes made - although we missed an event - we gained one. I'm not sure how it all relates... but the "mistake" we made for the event actually enabled us to have a good lunch together - meet up with friends and... all sorts of good stuff that happened today!

Nothing educational happened... but we did have a good time right? That's all that matters! So now that there is a fantastic excuse... we can stop blaming ourselves for missing the event. After all, there is always next year - and there's also plenty of events to go to. Sheesh.

Got back home with ultra refreshed lenses. You don't know how much I loathe the blurry vision that comes at the end of each day... it's kinda uncomfortable. Took it off and went online - blam. Audition's beat is mostly pretty catchy ><... but it is only in entry level that I can tone down and focus on the beat. Hung out with one of our old entry pros of our time... rusty, but the perf and chaining is still there. Better then when I got back to audition anyway ><...

Miss the old entry pros... ayuu, niceyfairy, bu0bu0, RotiSand, Oreo? So many more... now replaced by a new group. Entry channel is not as warm as it was before anymore ><... but today's game with RotiSand and Friday's game with bu0bu0 really relived the memories. Just last year we were flooding the entry's chat with our happy new years and merry christmases.. ><... too bad this year we'd be probably far apart and nowhere near it.

Just like life ><... though we thrive on many memories and at times wished that those moments could last forever... the world changes. People change, we change.. and the fact is that... we have to keep moving on. Though much is lost, much is gained. At least... there is a consolation that no matter what happens in our lives, we have our memories. Happy times that cannot be replaced and never will be. We only can have more moments...

And maybe... we can only hope the future would be better, and those memories just a stepping board to something much better. *shrugs* Who knows? ><...

Monotonous Blah

2008-12-10T16:09:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling strangely stagnant in the way that I'm finding stuff to do. Hmmm... The fact that there is work tomorrow is deterring me from exploring the possibilities of opportunities that I could embark on, instead of playing a routine game endlessly since dawn began.

Mm.. Elisa called. Maybe there is something to do after all. Hmm ^^''...
I'm finding myself rather impoverished from ideas recently - must be the sluggishness from resting at home too much. Can't believe I'm sitting at home wasting away while my mrt fare drains away. Though, can't say I'm enjoying the tranquility pretty much. It sounds alot better then doing endless hours of computer work...

And then there is work tomorrow...
And there possible conference on Friday. Not even sure if that is going to be boring.

Yup, that's about all. The entry looks bored as well. Scrape that, I'm off to do something more worthwhile. Ciao for now.

Been drinking thinking again lols...

2008-12-10T00:14:00.001+08:00

Received my results in the mail today...
I think the anxiety was the one that would really kill me. Everyone else seemed to have already received their results, but I'm always the one to receive it last. Strangely... it seems to be a pattern that most people would receive it on a friday, and me - the week after.

Worse still... it had to span through an entire weekend, plus a public holiday.

And also there was the partial heartaching part. I had to cancel a date because my parents felt uneasy about it. "Another non-christian?" ... I guess through the past two breakups, my parents have lost more faith then myself. And I don't really blame them. As much as there is nothing wrong with non-christians... it's the fact that both I had dated didn't work out. My parents saw me go through two heart wrenching experiences... perhaps one worse then the other. I remember once I was sitting at the table with my favourite uncle and my dad... the food was really good - but with the thoughts in my mind it just became tasteless. I looked away and tears had already gathered in my eyes. It had been like... weeks? Yet I was starving myself and getting lost between my dreams and reality.

For once dreams were my reality... and I went like into a half daze through it.

They say people grow stronger after each breakup. I guess it was true in a way... I directed all that misdirected energy into my studies - thankfully... it tided me over. But as much as I recover and am prepared to move on... it seems like my parents are the ones who are afraid where I am about to place my next footstep. I guess it's just me... getting burnt once doesn't deter me if it gets me to my next destination. But in a way they are wise... I know I can't survive another breakup.

As much as I really couldn't care less whether my boyfriend is a christian or not... I guess, it is time I take my parent's advice. Even if it fails at least there is a way I can redirect my depression onto someone other then myself. Like... it's not my fault this time lol. I don't know... what exactly I am thinking. Listening to that advice has seen me rejecting more then one suitor so far...

Sometimes I wonder if doing so is actually stupidity...

Like how many guys I meet are actually strong christians ><... this is almost too rare.. And what if... what if I fall deeply in love with someone who isn't one? What then? Do I reject him? Do I go against my own parents? And what if it fails again?

Am I grasping at empty spaces?
Do I then blame myself for being a Christian? NO! No way I can't ... Just... just this feeling that ... how I wish there wasn't this barrier. I believe in time God will grant me someone I can rely on... but right now all I see is an empty space.

With all these accomplishments and successes yet... it makes me wonder if somewhere in my mind, is there an empty space? Though I do not guard people from approaching me, I can't seem to let anyone near my heart. Though I really really ... feel like I want to but... so afraid that it will just shatter again. Eventually I would have to let someone in... but what if... what if it doesn't work out again? Then what?

Funny lols...
Like walking round in circles.

Hmm... focus. I guess... I shall try to worry less about this. Just one thing... I wish I could stop shattering so many hearts... it pains me far more then anything else I've done so far.

Just like on a boat...
Throwing gold into the sea that I've fished out...
Not really sure what the next thing I fish out would be...
But just throwing it back in cuz I know the next thing that comes in - the boat can't withstand the weight of it both.
So I'm just taking a risk...
Knowing full well that...
In the end I might just end up with nothing.

I kinda hate this game of "chance". :X
Lols. Anyway... the harder it is, the more we'd appreciate the person when he/she comes along. Till then, I guess it's only mindful to stay sharp and stay strong.

Have faith for better days.

P.s. Note to self... What makes Christian guys any better then normal guys anyway? I don't see anything special, aren't they all human? ><... Then again, don't ask me how to answer this question .. I've never dated one before.

Note to self

2008-12-06T22:28:00.001+08:00

#1
I need a work journal.
Pronto.
If only I can get to doing it...
Like those notebook thingies...
If only I can find a nice looking one.

#2
Reorganise THE SCHEDULES!
It's flooding on an overload...
And I'm not sure where to start!

#3
Note to self:
Write down those stuff I wanna do...
Before the holidays end...

#4
Do the stuff written in #3's notebook.

#5
Note the bookings and dates down...

#6
Don't mess it up.
Think that's all for now.

Sleepy

2008-12-02T11:43:00.001+08:00

Love this song! But uhhh... couldn't find it on Imeem :<
Couldn't add it to my song list ;___;''

Oh well. Lyrics are here!

-----
Four voices perfectly blending
Right from the start
Oh, I'm afraid that's ending
And my world is fallin' apart

It's Over
And I feel so alone
This is a sadness I've never known
How did I let
The sweetest of dreams
Slip away
And I'm afraid the hurt is
Here to stay

Promises made, not meant
to be broken
From a long time ago
Oh, so many words still unspoken
Tell me how was I to know
(IT'S OVER)

It's Over
Never thought it would be
Why in the world did this
Happen to me?

How could I let
The sweetest of dreams
Slip away

And I'm afraid the pain
Is here to stay

I go around and round
And round in my head
Wanting to take back
Whatever I said
No one was right
We all made mistakes
I'm ready to do whatever it takes
Please, pleASE, PLEASE

DON'T LET IT BE... OVER!

No, this is not how it ends
I need my sisters, my family, my friends
Don't wanna let
The sweetest of dreams
Slip Away
'Cause if it's over
Then the hurt is here to stay
Please,
Don't let it be over
PLEASE, Don't let it be over.
-----

Drafted this entry by mistake...

Moderation Accelaration

2008-11-26T02:35:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I'm still awake .__.''
There is so much to do.. but my mood has been rather monotonous recently. Looks like the hype streak has faded for a momento. I've not been slacking for a long time and the holidays feels quite hectic as well.

Well.. at least it's not as bad as the examination period. That I have to be thankful for. Still... my mind is running... and running... makes it kinda hard to sleep although I'm feeling rather fatigued.

I'm worrying about the 'certificate' project. It's just... lols. It's simple yet so complicated! And my mind just can't cease until I find the solution. Shi Fu did say I was like her in her younger days - just wont stop until I finally complete the job lols. Kinda true in a way... but mmm... If I was like her in her younger days, I don't want to slow down in my older days lols. Still, who knows? Our brain processing speed does decrease as we age. And in time, I might just cave in and finally concede.

And also... perhaps if I can just slow down, I might be able to catch more winks!

Aw geez... how am I going to find the solution for this project...
Think girl, think! There must be something I can do out of this.

Pfft... Brain not working. Forget it! I'd be better off sleeping!

Oh and yeah, before I forget - the appeal interview is on Friday ._____.'' That is totally nerve wrecking! Also... why Friday?! Lols. Me and Jean would probably have to rush back and forth in time for the two events. Sure hope all goes well... in any case, no one ever warned us about this. The girl on the phone was rather nice though - saying that she'd help us arrange with the lecturers. Appreciate the kindness ^-^'' I wonder which lecturers would be interviewing though. Would they be our own lecturers or... total strangers?

Imagine stepping into the room and getting interogated?!
AND THEN THE BIG BURLY PEOPLE STEP FORWARD AND DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.

Eeppps. I'm scaring myself - I hope. If that kind of incident happens like those good cop bad cop movies... I don't know what kind of reaction we'd give. Pfft. Next time - just BE on time. That would save all this trouble... really. A tough lesson to knock into my head.

Mmm... I really do need a knock on my head. Just... knock me out or something. Don't know how I'm going to find the energy for work and the date tomorrow. Gawd... I'll just have to try to force myself into dreamland.

Nites.

Precious Stones

2008-11-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

I found some details today that I can relate to... rather strangely.
Mm... read it off a novel though. Don't think it means much but... just for curiousity's sake, I'm leaving this here in case I reflect on it one day.

Emerald - Your stone is a power stone for life.
It opens the door to the deepest scars of the heart, allowing cleansing and healing and the achievement of greatest heart's desire. You hold the power in your hands. Use it to bring clear vision, tranquility, serenity, faith, inspiration and joy to the suffering. Use your treasure to heal.

Sapphire -Your stone is a power stone for truth.
It draws protection, offers wisdom, intelligence and purity of motive. You hold the power in your hand. Use it to instill hope, encourage faithfulness, focus loving energy and promote sincerity in those in need. Use your treasure to seek what is real.

Ruby - Your stone is a power stone for light.
It illuminates the dark places and helps in the transition from one of the past to the one meant to be. You hold the power in your hand. Use it to aid in following dreams, searching for wisdom, and finding bliss. Use your treasure to transform.

Stones of Three Sisters :3

So far we've only found two of the jewels... I wonder would there be a third one? And who would it be, if there is the third one?

Ahahaha... after all... it's just a novel... isn't it? ><''

Worth

2008-11-24T18:01:00.001+08:00

Another revelation...
Yet another "ugly duckling" has grown into a swan.
My foresight was not wrong
She has no doubt matured into a beautiful lady
Abeit a few more "touching ups"
And there she'd go...
"Breaking" hearts.
Proving all those people who laughed at her plainess
Wrong.
That she would one day surpass all of them...

Interesting...
Yet another proven foresight.

There is something subtle about this gift...
That allows us to see beneath the surface.
A little like prophesy
Even though I doubt that is the word for it.
It's the viewing of potential...
Yet not of those who are handsome or beautiful...
But those whom the world casts away.
It is certainly strange to see how the Lord chooses...

Never the one whom the world sees
But the one whom the world despises.
And He will raise them up
Far greater then those who scorn them
Then those who seek to push them down

I see another potential...
But to see the work of His hands...
It will take a few more years
But the wait will be worth it.

心里想说的话

2008-11-24T00:15:00.001+08:00

他走火入魔了...
这么想, 也想到没办法了.
我真是不了解.
分手后,还是硬硬的骚扰着我.
他现在脑海里在想些什么?
难道... 伤害了我的心 -
对他还是不足够?
难道他所要的 - 是要让..
我所有的朋友
听了它的谎言而恨着我
他才能停止, 才能死心吗?
我长了这么大...
还是第一次遇见这么狠毒的一个人...
有时候我还想着...
爱着那么一个人, 值得吗?
还想着那时还以为他的朋友欺骗了他
听了他的故事而可怜着他
等到分手以后才发现...
被欺骗的人...不是他
而是我天真的心

现在分手以后
越想他离我更远
他却越来越靠近
也不了解他接近我的原因
是为了来骚扰我
或者是要我保存我们分手的原因
而让他保留他所说的好名誉
让他继续找另外一个女孩来交往
我们分手了不久
他却能说出这种话来

若两人之间真的有爱过
分手后还是会有互相的尊敬
但它所做的一切
真的是让我烦躁

说来说去...
还是找不到心里在寻找的答案
但我想,过了这个难关...
也不知生活会如何过下去

好了好了... 别再想了!
在想下去我头发都要变白了! :)
哈... 开心就好! 我也别在想那么多了 ><''

Strawberry Sparkles

2008-11-23T21:45:00.001+08:00

There's a new 'baby' in the family~ :3
So yeah... we've been out the whole day.
Lots of ideas and planning for a gathering
But we aren't too sure when to execute it or what to do with it..

Anyway...

Cinderella left the ballroom today...
And left two glass slippers behind.

I'm not too sure if I can take the honour of the Prince
But I'm sure I know who the Princess is XD...
And I'm pretty sure I know that she'd fit into the glass slippers
And that her feet aren't too cold because she's now wearing sneakers!

Lols.
Jokes aside, it's been a really interesting day ^-^''

Ignorance of Fault

2008-11-23T21:21:00.001+08:00

A brand new day is a new revelation.
I discovered something while surfing the net with a buddy today...
Let's just say it's a warning of danger approaching.
Still... it is no longer my battle to fight.
I will not stoop to his disgustingly low level...
Whoever kindles to his flame
Will be just making the same mistake I made...
Be it earlier or later...
I shall not force it.
It will reveal on its own.

With words we part
And in fate we separate.
I want to have nothing more to do with him.
So it shall be.

Even if the whole world is blind to the truth;
It gains nothing by knowing reality.

Whatever are lies...
Heaven knows. And I shall not interfere.
Even as it is hard on my own conscience to know
There is nothing I can do to stop this.

Cease.
And believe.

Mind Crap

2008-11-23T01:15:00.001+08:00

I just blogged a whole buncha mind crap...
So sue me. This blog has some kind of rebellious streak that I don't really like either. Hmm... so here goes.

Typed alot of stuff here... but at the end of the day there was a delete button... so everything got erased.

Entry deleted twice. .____.''

See, mon ami. This is the reason why we shouldn't blog. 'Cause everyone sees this here and you have to constantly revise revise and revise what we write here. Seriously.

At the end of the day, what you actually read, my dear readers, is more like a summarized and constantly revised entry inside my head.

My thoughts for today? Forget it. My mind's caution is overeacting today, so there's nothing much I can share.

Love cannot be simply achieved by a mere comfort in company, it takes understanding, trust and most of all, love to tide it through. A fool will only base it on looks, but in reality is far more then that. It's not just compatibility as well. In certain cases... It might just have to base on the unique drawing point of a person... or even the element of surprise.

For now, I have to work on the trust AND parental expectations factor.

Thanks to two foolish relationships. My mother has thrown in her own expectations as well. A simple yet extremely head cracking expectation. That he has to be a spiritually strong Christian.

Like how much I keep telling myself that it is way impossible that a spiritually strong Christian would want ANYTHING to do with a foolish troublemaker... aka yours truly... well, the fact still stays. So no matter how much feelings I have towards any potential guys will just have to fade if he's not a Christian.

This is going to be a helluva headache.

First of all. My education is not mainstream - and most Christian guys? Are people who go mainstream. Think JCs and Polys but never NAFA. Their goals in life? Usually very high in some boring government job or something else. Okay okay I should stop stereotyping T________T''...

It's just...
I fear this feeling... dread it almost...
I've never really mixed with Christian guys. Also.. the guys that I grow up with are never Christians! Until... maybe a little later on. I don't know.
Think... freaked out?
Think... impossible?

Though all things are possible with God...
I don't know why I'm doubting this with all of my heart!

But just...
I don't know.
Maybe it's just after all that has happened I'm losing confidence in myself. Not losing confidence in my artistic capabilities(with God's help of cuz...) but...

Losing confidence that any Christian guy would ever fall for me if he knew what I was like? Fully? I don't know but my impression of a Christian guy is more or less a sheltered brat that will never understand what it is like to struggle against the society. Like going to Arts instead of Sciences...? I really... don't know.

And the word is SPIRITUALLY STRONG.
Like many guys on EARTH is spiritually strong? Wait, forget planet earth. Try Singapore. Wait, forget Singapore - how about actually meeting? IMPOSSIBLE!

Look... as much as I want to hope that one fine day I'd look back on this... years later, and laugh....

I just can't keep doubting lols.

Why?
Maybe because if I was a guy myself - I'd never ever date 'me'. That lame or what. It's way too complicated to figure this 'chick' out. PFFFt.

I'm throwing a tantrum with myself 'cuz I'm way too confused with all the jumbled thoughts! And oh yeah - any thoughts or feelings with non-christian guys would just have to fade.

Even if he's really nice, even if we click really well, even if we seem soooo uber close and even if he makes me smile each and everyday that it almost feels tempting but.............!!!

But he's not a Christian.

Mum's rules. And I know it's for my own good.

I bided by my own rules twice and ended up with a whole bunch of failures. Not exactly a good record. So as much as I want to be a rebel again... I think I'll stick to the rules this time. And hope well... that it works out.

If not... well ^____________^''.... *smiling mischievously*
AhhhhhhHHH... I'm kinda tempted to living the single life. I've just started enjoying it pretty much that I'm kinda drawn to the way it runs! Yet mm...
I'm not too sure though ._.

In any case, any Christian guy who reads this entry will get soooo put off with my stereotyping and one-off bimboness, that I can assure I'd be able to stay off the relationship track for a long while :D

Just as well.
I better start preparing for the single life, lols.
Ta for now.

P.s. Pardon all my language errors ><'' Kinda sleepy so, some of the stuff here is really all just gibberish.

A "rock" throw away.

2008-11-20T08:17:00.001+08:00

The rain's been on and off...
Went out yesterday for some munchies at pizzahut and we barely survived a mere few seconds in the rain! In a way I was pretty glad that we didn't have to walk in the rain but drive there instead .___.''

I slept half the day away till this morning O_O''
And I didn't even realize it lol. Was a little dizzy in the evening so didn't go for SES worship, and little did I know - I slept through dinner till this morning. So that was like um... another 14 hours.

Stttrrreeettccchhhhhhhhh~~~!

What a beautiful morning!
The morning air is usually the best, but most of the time I'm asleep and miss it! The crappy thing is that by the time i wake up - it's the afternoon with the hot sun shinning in :< terrible.

Sometimes I wish that my room had a balcony that would extend out - so that I could walk directly from my bedroom to the outside world ^^''... Then there would be a little stand there so I could do some portraits in the morning... that would be lovely ^-^''

Ohh ohh and there would be classical music in the background!

Nyah. Keep dreaming :D
That's what we do best anyway ^-^''

Oh sweet symphony
My heart's a jittery
Is it love, is it fate?
Would I run, would I have faith?
Oh to keep dreaming!~!

Naahahaha. I'm in love with all my hangout buddies, and my work, and my art! And the need to pack my forsaken messed up room lols.

Sweet sweet holidays...
What am I gonna do when it's all over~
Just a year and a half more.
We are going to graduate...
Where are we going to be then?
Year and a half...
I'd be 20 then... with about a month left to turn 21.

Remembering that I watched High School Musical 3 a few days back -
Their high school is somewhat like an extended version of ours in Singapore. They don't have junior colleges like us, they graduate into University. So somewhat... I can relate a little. Though, I don't think our school has prom lols! Pity :3

So after we graduate...
Where do we go on from here...?

21 is the "mark" of adulthood. Just like "graduating" into a whole lot of responsibilities. Not sure if it would make any difference usuually *laughs*, always been one to mature alot faster then my peers. Wonder if that makes me feel any older(though. maybe a lot more boring! lols XD). From a young age, always been talking to the teachers and stuff. Simply refusing to do silly actions like my friends then - makes me wonder when did this start happening?

While my friends were learning their ABCs, I was immersed in the world of books. Reading and reading and reading. When they finished their entire workbook, I finished their entire library collection. Was kinda silly, I remember that because of that, they had to restock their collection - to find out that I finished it within the next week.

Still... I guess what I had been interested in back then affected what choices I had to make in the future. Not too interested in Science books but more on history and those that lure your imagination. At the age of 8 or 9 I read this book on mindmapping and speed reading by Tony Buzan o.o'' after which I had been finishing books a lot faster then I usually do.

And I guess...
It was all these that made my granny think that I was clever. That by going to the arts I was throwing away all the brains that I had. Had. No way?! She asked my mother why didn't she beat me more to get me on the right track. I guess till this day it still hangs on a rack in my head.

Sciences... maths...
I was thrown into that road for a good few years of my life.
I'm not dumb, those I could do - if only I had a passion for it. Passing each day memorizing theories, making up songs and jingles to remember them. I felt myself slowly eating away... the energy dwindled. The memory "failed"... or so I thought. My grades fell, I was constantly beatened for not completing my whole chunk of homework, and I even resorted to hidding them around the house lols...

As days passed, more of the workload grew. I constantly got into trouble. And I thought that I was Trouble, with a capital T. I felt like a social misfit. That I was stupid and I couldn't study. I felt distant from my parents - like they were always scolding me and never understanding me - and my brother then only seemed to give me trouble and get me into trouble. It was a period of feeling unloved. A moment where... I guess I never thought there would be a future for me. Any future would be to run away... to gain more freedom, to break away - like the song from Kelly Clarkson.

I got into alot of those "counsellor" offices. But instead of letting them "warp" my mind, I "warped" theirs instead. They always thought that they had found the reason to my lack of motivation and sudden plummeting grades... but they never knew - cuz even I had no idea why. When I told them there was nothing wrong with me they simply COULDN'T believe me. So they kept pushing and prodding until I got so darn annoyed that I simply gave them a random scenario and a whole sob story - and they believed it. Afterwhich they tried doing all sorts of "experiments" hoping that I would change - but I never did. There wasn't any major traumatic experiences - then.

Those stupid adults never knew.
And stupid me never knew either.
Until this part of life...
This stage.

That if you suppress the talents of anyone - and try to fit everyone into the same mould - it wouldn't work. That's cuz every kid is different. There are bound to be a whole lot of people who might fit into that mould, but there are always rarities. The misfits, as most people call them. But we misfits are just about as able as any of those kids you placed in the mould. Maybe some could be even better as well.

So ask me if I think Singapore's education system has flaws, and I'd tell you a whole lot. Problem is, they already had a whole reputation for it since they had been here for a whole long period of time. But who would know the flaws? The blame always goes to the "misfits" for not working hard enough. Or are we?

Admitting they had flaws would bring out the high casualty rate. Each school dumps out about at least 40 students per year. And how many schools are there?

Then again I'm not making excuses for the dropouts. Not all of them anyway. There are Plain LAZY ones - BUT! That is only a VERY VERY SMALL MINORITY out of the hundreds the schools cast away each year. Others are affected by a whole lot of other problems like financial backgrounds and responsibilities given to them(they do not have a choice!) that should really not end in their hands until 10 to 20 years later.

Hmmphs.
As much as I rant about this at every junction of my life(I've ranted this when I was in high school before... somewhere lols), there is always a limit to how much I can rant about it. That's cuz I don't have enough wisdom, experience or capability to fully understand all of this - it is only as much as I know. As we grow each of us gain new experiences and insight... perhaps if I reflect on this years later I might just have a whole new essay about it, and might even disagree with what I say now.

Who knows.

There are things in our logic that may seem right to us right now... but it may not necessarily mean forever. There are times when I look back and realized how ignorant I've been to the most obvious factors... but in order to learn, we've got to admit that we have once been wrong. Our knowledge is always somehow limited, so be thankful for each new insight.

What a load of rambling lols ><''
I wonder how did the topic change to this ahahaha :X:X:X:X
Pfft - o well, Back to packing my room :X

Two days stuffing

2008-11-18T23:45:00.001+08:00

Kinda sleepy...
After all the energy drains out for the last two days of packed activities... tomorrow is going to be a time for me to slow down, take a breather, have a break, enjoy the breeze - then rush into the activities all again on thursday.

So adverse to resting...

Got to meet the FA team yesterday, quite an alright part on that. Brought some doughnuts - and that was really helpful! Especially when me and Jean got hungry lols. We got to see the place, figure out what we are going to do, breeze through the formalitiies...

Then the fun part at the studio lols.
Got to see what a studio is like... something more on the unique side with all the props and stuff. Both me and Jean were at the studio for awhile... getting some photos here and there and learning from the two masters - shiii fuuu!!! XDXDXD - they were also a really nice couple, got a few tips here and there and ... got a little more insight on how to operate the camera in a studio.

There is still so much more to learn!
And so many stuffed animals there - The hot fav was Kermit the froggie!
Really fun while it lasted :)
So we planned the details on what to do for thursday and friday... guess we are going to have some photo rehearsal or something then, not too sure.

Got home and was planning to slack the day away when Jean popped up with a photo expedition outing. Halfway throughout the discussion Matt decided to join us so we planned everything in the wee hours of the morning, then decided to meet at 11am this morning. We were all dead tired when we arrived... lack of sleep!

Grabbed a few munchies from the breadshop - initially nobody except me wanted breakfast :D but it ended up with everyone buying at least a little something to munch on. Itadakimasuuu~~~~ munched at the bus stop then hailed a cab in. We got those "premium" cabs lol - and Matt was complaining that the guy was cheating us of a couple of coins when we got in. If I'm not wrong we didnt split the cab fare - and were supposed to pay for the next cab. But at the end of the day we didn't manage to get a cab! O_O'' (just realized)... wonder how we are going to split the fare up now. :X

Got alot of great shots!!!~~~~!!!!
Well... I can say that without those two - Jean and Matt... and probably some of the other hikers, I'd never have spotted those shots(too blur as sotong :X::X). Well... I think they spotted almost everything and we started snapping away. Gosh after re-reading what I typed it sounds so boring lols... but uhhh! It was fun as an experience, just not too sure how to blog it down. Got extra tips from Matt for the cammie - now I know how to use manual shot a little better and also, understanding a little bit more about the aperture. They said that many lessons happen outside our classes - to date, I believe that that is really true! :)

We walked for like... so many hours. Approximately from 12+ to around 5~6?

If it was a couple of years ago I'd be hiding away from an expedition like this. Shows how NAFA has groomed me out of my spoilt brat status lmaoz... then again, it's an individual experience... after the two hard felt breakups, i guess it has made me a better person. Hiking, or the hawker centre anyone? XD Boy, what a difference! I'm not even complaining about the heat or the walking anymore... my legs dont even feel tired .___.''

Cab didn't arrive since the operator somehow "hung" on us. So we had to navigate out of the place.

It was kinda ulu... hardly any civilization in sight. The three of us could even walk in the middle of the road without a care in the world - except, perhaps on how to get out of the place :X:X After a loooooooooooong walk and an even loooooooooonger time, we made it to a bus stop and took it to CCK. Slept all the way and so did Matt. Jean watched over us ... in laughter since we kept knocking into stuff as we slept. My particular fondness was for the window, which i was leaning on :X - i think Matt colided into me a couple of times but I was too tired to really bother.

Foodie at Mac then the train ride to the Expo. Caught a few shots there before we met Felder. It was really silly when we were looking for each other. Me and Jean were right behind him on the phone and I was telling him I was behind him :D... He turned a few rounds and still couldn't spot us even though we were just a couple of food... ehhh FOOT steps away ^^'''... that was really cute lols.

Back in the food fair we got some munchies... sweet wrapped stuff that was kinda tasty :3 Some bits got stuck in the wrong places :X kept making faces to get them out .___.'' embarrassing. Was tasty though ^^'' something different for a change. We walked a little round till the place was closing... then sat around sharing little jokes in a corner. Got a little group shot! :3 I wanna keep that~! Guess I'd have to get it from Jean a little later...

I was kinda tired and thinking of how I'm going to go the long way back to Boon Lay by train when Jean suggested to take a Taxi. Was a good idea but... kinda low budgeted after KTV and all the paying for the printing for the assessment and the taxis for the deadlines... Jean even offered to pay part of the price to help but... it was really kinda expensive. Felder was telling us that he would be our driver - and we really thought he was joking. It was only after we were leaving when he took out the car keys when we went like ".___. omg u are serious!". It was a really nice drive though, XD chatting chatting all the way with Jean and Felder - though he had to focus more on the road. A little later they reached my house and Jean went - "Your house looks abit ulu" lol! Never really felt that way ^^'' after all, I sleep with a view of an "ulu" street each night and don't find it all that ulu at all.

Kinda hesitant to leave - had so much fun - but got out and thanked them for the great time ^^'' What a loooonnnnng day!

So wishing it could go on a little longer but I'd be dead cold asleep if it had continued lols.

Guess I can only hope another day would be just as good!
Really love these peeps ^-^''

At the end of the day...
Approximately 650 photos of "unadulterated" fun lol. Gonna try to rmb to get the rest from Jean XDXDXD....

And Jean promises to ... take shots of something else other the me the next time we go photoshooting :D You promised, gal! The next time you can take other stuffs or... take more of Matt or Felder if they join us! I suspect you have more photos of me then any other animal in the reserve right now .____.'' - and Matt agreed too.

Kinda sleepy now ^^''
Gonna take some time to browse through a little then have a peaceful day of packing stuff tomorrow. It's going to be my hiatus before work on Thursday! Thank God there is a rest day :) And yeah! For the glorious day too! It was an amazing experience and it'll probably take some time for this adrenaline to wear off.

Kudos for now ^_^''

Mmmmmmmmmmmm~!!

2008-11-14T22:10:00.001+08:00

Finally got home after a long day outside.
Kinda sleepy and all... but kinda glad at how the day went.

Was kinda late this morning - cuz I kept setting the alarm to half an hour later and later. Till it was around 9am and I started rushing like crazy. Halfway down to the bus stop I was wondering where my phone was so I rushed home to find it - when later on I realized it was in my bag all along!

Late Late Late!

Finally got to City Hall Station and found Pearl and Sindy waiting, Cui Jing was withdrawing money. After the waiting and smsing, we went to the KTV at Marina Square. Something different lols... I was joking with CuiJing that the rooms seemed like... a "chicken" area that you see in the movies, cuz there were so many doors along a tiny corridor. Eerie...

Finally coming into a room - even more eerie. Sense a strange deja vu feeling - must be from too many movies. But after awhile we warmed up and started singing - kept picking the wrong songs lol, too high notes and too rusty from the lack of singing. But it was quite kewl... oo and we took a few photos too - abit blurry but still, it's my first time there!

I think the two favourite songs - I picked... eventually were "I believe" and "Wu Ding"(one of the songs from my past lols). We did a "jingle bells" as well, out of utter lameness - and Fion heard it over the phone! How embarrassing!!

Pearl has this low voice perfect for singing male vocals while Cuijing can sing pretty girlish songs - more like a baritone. Sometimes when she did this real voice to falsetto back to normal voice again... some of those effects were nice :3 Sindy snuck in with the english songs - and I guess, most of the choices we picked were kinda like all time favourites! Not too sure about the chinese songs though... half of them that were sung were unfamiliar...

Fion came a little later and we got to sing "Wu Ding" together - i did the guy part while she did the girl part. It blended quite nicely together lols. Though... I kept missing out on some of the verses... and both of us didn't sing one of the sentences cuz we couldn't read the chinese words! So it was like *melody.....* then sudden pause and we looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Food was weird though!
The mangosteen FISH?!
Or was it mango fish ._.
In any case... Mango, with "steen" or without "steen", does not taste well with fish!

Left a little after 2 to meet up with Felder at Vivo. Managed to make it to the mrt station without getting lost with the help of Cui Jing(Or you can say we both got "lost" together so it didn't feel like we got lost). The rest of the way was alright... till Harbourfront. I had no idea where Pacific Coffee was... so had to check with him whether it was in Vivo or Harbourfront.

All in all... found my way and reached quite quickly.

It was a funny experience, but nevertheless eventful. Funny - considering that there was always something to laugh and joke about. If there was any awkwardness it faded quite quickly. There was so much to talk about and if it had not been too late, I guess we would have gone on sharing on stuff much further. The movie was great, so was the walk around to explore the place. I liked the fact that although I was wondering what we were going to do('cuz I thought that vivo wasn't a nice place to hang out in - and was proven really wrong!), there was always something around the corner that was entertaining.

We also got to see half a sunset lols... 'cuz the rest was blocked and all, such a waste. But the effort to get there and watching the sky darken from the evening to the night was something I really appreciated. Soothing and really comforting.

And supper! The chilli incident lmaoz... was kinda silly. Mmm...
So much I want to keep in my memory but I'm kinda embarrassed to share it all here lols. But this is where I store all my memories... I wonder. Really appreciated the last part of the journey when he sent me all the way back to Boon Lay interchange even though he lived so far away - since I was struggling really hard to keep awake.

Truth to be told... I was already feeling a little dizzy when I was at the Harbourfront Station. If he hadn't been so nice I'd have probably ended up in Pasir Ris or some ulu place when I wake up. IF I wake up... *shudders*

Note to self : Always take a time check.
It's not every day that I'm with someone trustworthy. Can't imagine if it was with some business partner or something I don't know or worse then that.

In any case, I'm finally home and gosh... it feels good.
Time to get some sleep .. soon, get some stuff ready and all.
After every fantastic day comes a rather boring day...

In which case, I think my Saturday will be quite dull.
Oh well, think my Sunday's going to be packed too! And not forgetting Monday lol...
This feels good... *groan* time to sleep! Miaowrrr.... nitey!

Silly thoughts lols..

2008-11-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

Kinda sleepy... kinda tired.
Lots of stuff happened today, kept me on nerve.
Everything went well I guess... the grading seems alright.
Two of my works got taken by the lecturers... actually it's three if I add DM in...
Considering the overall mark for this term, without visual studies and advertising, it should be good.

My body seems strained...
Wanting to celebrate with someone but my mind seems detached.
I don't know how to express happiness for and towards...
So the emotions are really diverted.
I mean there are friends and all... but...
The feeling is just different.
So I just hold them in and past the day away feeling half empty.

Kinda detached to everyone...
Even in expression I don't find myself fully there.
I've hidden one side of me away, not trusting anyone around me
I smile at little precious moments, but as it fades away, distrust brews again.
Once bitten... twice shy. In which case, I was bitten twice.
Though the memories have faded, the scars still remain...
It makes me wonder if I'm destined to be independant for the rest of my life.
Not because of the lack of suitors or the lack of anything...
Just that I can't seem to trust anyone or love anyone.

Not that I require any extra person at the moment...
My life is packed enough as it is
So much to accomplish, so much to explore
But for the first time in my life I'm without someone to love
And I guess it's just there where my feelings feel rather misplaced
Not sure where to direct them - and not wanted them to be misdirected.

I guess there are so much expectations from my family now...
After two drastic relationship failures, they seem to want me to choose someone of a christian background...
I've never dated a guy from a christian background lol
Let alone meet someone who's really dedicated...
And also...
Would someone like that accept a person like me?
My past, my present, my future?
It seems almost silly and impossible.

And I don't even know where the future's leading...

Was talking to a friend about this today...
And she said that if a guy really loves a girl, no matter what she is like,
He will love her...
But does a guy exist like that in reality?
Or maybe a rarity?
What is the possibility of finding someone who truly understands
And is not trying the hardest to satisfy his pride and needs instead?
Someone who truly accepts us for who we are?
Instead of being modern and stereotyping?

Then I guess love is kinda far-fetched.
Something I wonder once in a long while...
Knowing it's not time yet
And knowing that it will probably take a long while before I meet the person
If he ever exists.
Till then... I guess it never fails to make me wonder
'Cuz till the future, all these are probably going to remain a mystery.

In any case, I guess I should discover my independence.
It being the first time in about... 7 to 8 years of being in and out of relationships. Finally finding a break out of it... maybe this should be the time I do alot of soul searching and discovery.

And yeah... in a way...
There is so much I've discovered in such a short period of time.

Maybe... just maybe... in a hard way
By making me fall out of love hard...
Teguh was right.
Perhaps he was really setting me free.
But till then...
Some part of my mind is still a prison cell...
And till the future... perhaps someone might release me from it.

I guess we can only hope.
Who knows what lies in the future?
Just go in faith... and have faith!

Saw this quote from someone...
If you really love someone, you got to set them free.
That time when he told me that he liked the girl...
I did ask him if he wanted to consider a breakup so that he could be free to chase the girl lols...
I wonder what crossed my mind then...
It was just a suggestion and I wasn't even thinking of my own thoughts...
Or feelings...
But when it really happened lols...
I guess when it really happened it was really painful for me.
Saying is so much easier then it really happening.
But when he said it I didnt fight back...
It seemed silly to fight for someone when his mind is already with someone else
And that he said that he doubted that he had even loved me in the first place
I guess that was the one that really took the cake...

The one sentence that made me block out all my emotions for him and to cease loving him.

Funny...
The cause of all my confusion...
Was probably that sentence.

But all in all...
A relationship has to be made up of two people who really love each other.
If one stops loving... the relationship would cease to have anything to rely on.
That is why I stopped fighting and started questioning...
But knowing that questioning probably won't bring any answers...

- Wrote a whole bunch of stuff below and deleted them again -

I guess when I read this blog about it, there are things about him I don't want to remember as well... might as well not blog it down.

To think... in cold irony that the last holidays while he was away I missed him so much - we kept emailing each other even in Australia. I chanced upon one of those emails some time back and it hit me so hard that I dared not open it again lols.

Silly silly Sandy.
Well I guess we can only grow stronger after each breakup.
I hope he never reads this - but since a long time ago, I've been wishing him good luck. And though it's silly... well, we did have a bond a long time ago. And though the memories have faded and harsh words have been exchanged... and even though everytime I see him on one side of the room I want to flee to the opposite side of the building...

I still wished the best...
And I even prayed for him during the exams that everything would work out well.

Though... I rather he keep it that way that he thinks I'm wishing him bad luck lol. I don't even know where he got that idea anyway lols. But anyhow... it would be super awkward if he knew what I was really doing.

In any case, I better stop thinking about silly stuff and get to bed, got a long day tomorrow. And I guess... tomorrow when I've woken up, I'd probably have already forgotten about this. Just like him I guess, will always be a faded shadow in the back of my memories.

Goodnites.

Flop

2008-11-12T22:30:00.001+08:00

I typed a whole bunch of stuffs...
Got stuck, got confused, pressed the delete button, and here I am.

This is some sort of pathetic entry, but in every thing that is going on, all my successes and disappointments...

There seem to be lessons behind it.

Grow stronger gal, life is full of potholes but you just have to pick yourself up from it. Let's keep going and keep trying! All the best for the hard assed assessments tml!